Thank you Kayla Lords for answering this reader's question!
Dear Submissive Guide,
My Dominant and I have recently reconnected and are feeling out a new, healthier format for our relationship. However, he confessed to being unfaithful to me when we were together before (out of a fear of intimacy, which he is working on). I would really like to try to make this work, but I'm struggling to submit to him knowing that he violated my trust in the past. How can we work to rebuild trust in our relationship so that the dynamic can function properly?
Really Wants to Trust Again
Hi there, Really Wants to Trust Again! Thank you for your question, and I really wish I could give you a quick, easy answer.
Submission without trust is nearly impossible for many of us. How do we know that person will take care of us, treat us well, and respect our feelings, limits, and wants if we can’t trust them? You may have to consider putting some of your D/s activities on hold while you work on the rebuilding your trust in him. It doesn’t mean you have to stop completely, but you may want to start off with small activities and work up to bigger things until you’re more comfortable.
A few factors go into building trust: honesty, communication, and consistency. Rebuilding trust is much more difficult because you also have to deal with any feelings of betrayal you may still have.
The best thing to do is to be open and honest with how you feel - good or bad. While you don’t want to discuss the topic until you’re both sick of it, you also need to feel like you can tell your Dominant how something makes you feel, especially if he’s doing something that reminds you of how things were before.
At the same time, you need to listen and watch. Do his actions match his words? Does he become defensive or angry when you discuss how something makes you feel? Is he sharing his own feelings about this situation with you?
When someone wants to rebuild trust with you, they go out of their way to make sure you never have to question or doubt them. While it may be difficult to do, he will need to be honest with you about how he feels and how your concerns make him feel.
Talking something through isn’t a magic cure for everything wrong in a relationship, but it can alleviate a lot of problems. Being consistent in word and deed can take things even further. Keep your eyes and ears open, and decide for yourself if you can forgive and move forward. And don’t feel like you have to rush back into your D/s dynamic right now. It’s okay to start off slowly and let the submission come after the trust returns.