Hi Submissive Guide

My Dominant and I are trying to get our relationship going in the right direction again. We have been married for 23 years and in an M/s relationship for the past 4 years. In the beginning he read everything and was involved and it was everything I dreamed it would be but things started dropping off about two years ago and came to a skidding halt about 3 months ago. He says he doesn't like to read and never has, stress at work, stress in general. But he got upset when I stopped doing most of the things that showed my submission like serve him coffee or control over medications. 1. How can I begin to seve him again without feeling like he'll flounder on me again? 2. How can I get him more interested into learning again if he's not a big reader?

Thank you

Trying again

Hi there, Trying Again!

It’s hard to tell you exactly what to do, because everyone is unique and every relationships has its own hurdles to manage, but hopefully I can give you some advice to help you find the right path for your relationship.

My first question would be to look at what, if anything, has been going on in your life over the past few months and years that might add stress to your Dominant’s life. Both Dominants and submissives have responsibilities within the relationship, and Dominants carry the burden of controlling, caring for, leading, and/or nurturing their submissive. When outside life interferes - illness, stress at work, problems with family members - those additional responsibilities can feel like a burden.

Next, your first question sounds like a trust issue. You want to serve but you’re afraid he’ll let you down. The only thing that can rebuild trust is time and effort. If he’s still interested in the lifestyle, maybe you simply need to take things slow. It’s possible that your M/s dynamic no longer works and you may need to explore different options that work for you both. Maybe less “Master” and more “Sir” or something like it.

Another suggestion is for you to be his submissive even if he’s not actively leading. Ask yourself this question - do you still want to serve him? Is it part of your nature or do you prefer to do it only as part of your D/s relationship? There’s no right or wrong answer, but it may help you decide how to proceed. It is entirely possible that if you continue to serve and submit in different ways, you may help him feel more Dominant which makes the act of dominating much easier. And if serving your partner fills a need within you, you’ll help yourself as well. If the problem is outside stressors making it difficult for your Dominant to lead your relationship, by continuing to serve him, you may help him remember what your dynamic feels like.

Is it possible that you’ve both fallen into a rut of doing the same things in the same way over the past few years? Now may be a good time to try new things and find the old excitement you had in the beginning.

Let me play devil’s advocate for a moment…

If he expects you to do everything you’re supposed to as his submissive and refuses to do any of the things he agreed to do as your Dominant, there could be a problem. While I advocate for continuing to do your tasks for as long as possible, the moment he stops behaving as your Dominant, you have every right to question what’s going on. While we shouldn’t serve only in expectation of some reward, you deserve to have a partner who’s willing to keep their end of the agreement. The first step in any situation, but especially this one, is to talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel.

Now, as for how to help him get information without reading it, you’re in luck. There are plenty of options out there.

Podcasts can be listened to in the car, while working out, and anywhere you can get away with having headphones or earbuds on. I produce a podcast called Loving BDSM which focuses on D/s relationships, but there are a ton of other podcasts for kinksters. Check out an archived list here on Submissive Guide of kinky podcasts.

Another option is always video. YouTube has several channels of fellow kinksters sharing their experiences and knowledge. Even here on Submissive Guide, we have videos you can both watch to learn new things or discuss different topics.

It is entirely possible for him to learn new things without having to read it. Check out how you can do the reading and then present it to your Dominant!

The first step is always to talk to each other. Set aside a time when you can focus on each other. Explain how you feel, what you need, and what you want. Give him the opportunity to do the same. If he’s like some Dominants I know, he may be going through something stressful at work or elsewhere and didn’t want to talk about it because he believes, as a Dominant, he should be able to handle it. But if it’s interfering with your dynamic, it may be time that he accepts whatever help you can provide so you can both have a relationship you want and find fulfilling.