Dear Submissive Guide,

I am a sub and I have an amazing Master. He is loving, caring, respectful and just everything a sub could ask for. He collared me 6 months ago and we moved in together 2 months ago. We get along great in every area so far. The problem is this, lately, I’ve been feeling really insecure and I’m worried about being able to fully please him. I know he loves me and he knows that I love him. Regardless, this voice inside of me keeps telling me that I’m not good enough..that I cannot fulfill him fully. Now I realize that there is usually a honeymoon period. So, for the most part, we have gone to bed together and woke up together, it’s been amazing! Matter of fact it was all we had talked about for months. Lately, however, he has been getting out of bed and getting on the computer and staying up for hours past me. Then, of course, I’m up early and he either gets up because I am, then ends up tired with a major headache later or sleeps way later. Our sex life is still good I suppose but I’ve noticed some changing and slowing down. I start to question things, Why does he have to get up when I’m asleep? Am I not pleasing him?

So this morning I woke up really early and he did for a bit as well. We played for a little while. After being inside me he pulls out as if he were done. He hasn't came and is limp. He demands that I play til I cum. Automatically the tears start flowing. He asks why I tell him I’m afraid I’m not pleasing him. He whispers in my ear, confidence is sexy. After play he rolls over and is back to sleep because he was up all through the night and well while I kept waking up because he wasn't beside me, I am wide awake and feel like crap. I don’t sleep well when he isn’t there and now I am confused, and wondering maybe it’s my insecurities that are hindering us. Then I think well no he was already done prior to. I’m so confused, hurting and so scared. I love him more than you can even imagine and I would do anything to make him happy. Please help me.

Sincerely, Confused n Scared Sub

Dear Confused n Scared Sub,

My heart hurts for you that you’re in such turmoil over all of this.

A few things come to mind immediately…

Based on what you’ve shared, which is mostly your own thoughts and feelings and nothing that indicates his thoughts and feelings, your insecurities are getting in your own way.

Yes, you’re right, at the beginning of any relationship, vanilla or D/s, there is a honeymoon period when everything seems “perfect” and golden. Reality always sets in eventually, and the habits and behaviors people have had for years come through.

Whether or not your Master has done anything or not to make you feel unsure and insecure, you have to talk to him. I know plenty of submissives, myself included, that are great about getting ourselves worked up over nothing but our own worries. And if he has been doing things that make you think there are problems, it’s always much better to bring them up and talk about them than to ignore them, pretend the problems will go away, or make yourself crazy thinking about it but never saying anything.

The other thing that comes to mind, if he’s staying up later, or keeping a different schedule is whether he’s going through personal stress. Is his job giving him headaches? Is there family drama he has to deal with? Are finances tight? There are any number of reasons why he might be getting out of bed and staying awake.

Have you asked him about what’s on his mind?

We tend to forget that our Dominant partners aren’t superhuman. They go through stressful times and have just as many worries as we do. He might be concerned about any number of things.

As for going limp and not having an orgasm during sex, there are any number of reasons it can happen. Yes, sometimes it’s a lack of desire for a partner, but sometimes it’s illness or stress. My own Dominant says he doesn’t always need to have an orgasm in order to enjoy having sex with me or getting kinky. Instead of assuming the worst, why not ask him?

And yes, he’s right, confidence is sexy. If you’ve lost yours, talk to him about it. Hopefully, he can help you build it back up, but you may have to fake it until you really do feel confident.

If, after you talk to him, you still have fears about your relationship, take a good, long look at what’s happening between you. Has he changed since you moved in? Does he refuse to talk to you? Does he get angrier more quickly or dismiss your concerns?

Sometimes, we’re afraid because of our own insecurities and sometimes, our partners give us a reason to question where they want to be with us or not. Your first step is always to talk to him about how you feel and what your concerns are. After that, only you can decide whether you’re overreacting or if there really is a problem.