When you become submissive to someone, you could be afraid to lose who you were before the power exchange. I know I was afraid of changing too much when I began to identify as a slave instead of a submissive. Would I even recognize myself? Could I still be opinionated and silly, obsessed with Pentatonix and Minecraft or would I have to give up everything that I am now? It was terrifying. I had read stories of submissives and slaves who could no longer listen to their favorite music, find time to read their favorite books, and even appeared to never have free time. But, in reading all that, I also knew that going further in my submission to KnyghtMare was what I wanted... no, needed. I was constantly reaching for more that I could be, feel more and do more to show him I wanted to be his perfect mate. And in the end, I have nothing to regret. That transformation wasn't as scary as I thought and I'm still me.

I'm a more genuine me, in fact.

Becoming submissive does not mean you stop being who you are now. All of my advice has always been that you should be you, just a better you. The best you that you can put forward. Submissive does not overtake your humor or your quirky nature. For the perfect partner, it only makes it a complete you. A Dominant will love that you are submissive and that you cry when you see adorable puppies on TV. They will even find you interesting when you marathon "Bridezillas". Your perfect partner will have their own personal quirks that you will have to adjust to. It's a part of their overall package too. Having said that, there will be change.

I have changed since becoming KnyghtMare's submissive. I'm far more polite and patient. The poor manners that I picked up from my parents have almost all been wiped away. I'm full of happiness, it's harder to get me down and I don't think I've ever had such peace in my role in life. My bad behaviors have been squashed. He continues to work with me through my negative habits and helps to instill better, stronger and much-improved ones. I'm becoming a better person.

None of my friends have said that they notice anything negative. In fact, the positive compliments and the joy that radiates from me always show through. Year after year they know that whatever type of relationship I have with KnyghtMare, it is the one that I needed. And when you find your true self you'll feel it too - and so will everyone around you. If you fear the change, it will overtake you. But if you embrace positive enhancement you will come out the other side with so much more to give the world.

While right now you are afraid of what may come, nothing good comes easy. You will be making changes to your normal pattern of behavior. It will feel uncomfortable and foreign. I can tell you that some of the changes took me mere days and others I'm still working on 10 years later. Positive change feels good, no matter the effort, the struggle and the mistakes you'll make along the way. Trust me there will be mistakes. Mistakes help you learn and grow if you listen to them.

The idea that submissives will change drastically when submitting in a relationship often comes from a widely distributed myth that you have to be broken in order to submit. Somehow, Dominants also believe this lie and propagate it in their profiles as if they know exactly what that entails. Let's start out with understanding one thing. Breaking a person's will is dangerous and can have lasting consequences. While it's a hot fantasy, it's not without severe penalties in real life. "Someone who is broken may not be able to reestablish themselves and function in the world again. Their ability to find and maintain employment may be compromised" (M/s for the Rest of Us, pg 91).  It's permanent psychological damage and can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The idea of "being broken" goes against all that I teach here and my personal understanding of power exchange. Be careful if you choose to go there; you may not come out a whole person.

So how can you transform without breaking? Through care and guidance, through using coaching and support.  And most importantly, through wanting to do it for yourself.  Hopefully, you've had a talk with your partner about how you see your submission looking like and found some common ground with them to work towards. After all, change won't happen if you can't agree. Remember you don't have to settle for changes you don't agree with. Conversely, the person who is willing to gamble and embrace change has a greater chance of achieving success.

Dealing with Change

  1. Be flexible – you improve your chances of succeeding by being flexible and adapting to change. Take a look at what is required of you in these new circumstances after changes have been implemented in your life.
  2. Communication is imperative – this is especially true when you are facing change. Effective communication has a positive impact while the lack of it has negative consequences. So talk to your Dominant not only in the beginning but throughout your transformation.
  3. Envision the big picture – realize that the goals of making change are usually beneficial. The sooner you see the big picture, the better off you will be.
  4. Perform self-assessments – Self-assessments help you determine your strengths and weaknesses while showing you where you need to improve.
  5. Realize that change is inevitable and is the only aspect of our lives that is constant – as we grow older, we experience a change in our personal lives.
  6. Recognize the stages of change – these include shock, denial, guilt, anger, and moving on. In some way, the stages of change resemble the stages of grief over the death of a loved one.
  7. Stay positive – keeping a positive attitude during change will enable you to handle the uncertainties that come with it.

Hopefully, if you take nothing else from this article, that you will accept that change can be a healthy and positive experience when you have the love, support, and trust with your Dominant. Without those things, change is often filled with doubt and fear - if you feel a fear of change, perhaps you need to address the trust and communication issues that might exist. Don't worry about losing yourself, because in the right hands you will come out an improved version of who you really are - and that's beautiful.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. What changes do you want to make to your life to improve yourself or your submission?
  2. Is change scary to you? Why?
  3. How do you feel about a Dominant requesting change in a submissive? What hard limits do you have as far as changes you're not willing to undergo?

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