On the heels of "50 Shades of Grey" fame, there are a lot of new and curious people exploring BDSM than there has been in a long time. For the many people who encounter this site through a search, they may have their fantasies dashed by reading about the internal work and powerful submissives that I encourage on a daily basis. Then again, they may be inspired by the fact that so many of the readers here are happy with their lives and couldn't be more fulfilled in their role.
A story can pull us in and trap us in the fantasy really easily. If we don't know better we may begin to believe that this or that play style or relationship is normal or the same in real life. That's where "50 Shades" and many other books have it wrong. The majority of erotic novels have a suspended reality to them. That means that the realness of the events is only in your mind. If you try to enact what you read without learning more about it, you are likely to be disappointed, injured or worse.
Why? Because erotic novels would be boring if they talked about safety or safe sex. The flow of a story would be interrupted if there was a whole chapter of negotiating, a scene with putting on a condom or gloves before sexual play, or the main characters were attending therapy to fix their social dysfunctions instead of acting them out in abusive ways with compliant partners. No one wants to read that; they want the fantasy. Give me the sex and spanking without the rules and safety, am I right?
But let's assume that you took that step and are looking for information about how real people go about having a Dominant/submissive relationship, or a spanking scene, or perhaps just some kinky sex.
Write out the fantasy or scene you wish to explore.
When you can be as detailed as possible about what you are thinking of trying you will be able to find all the information you need to enact it safely. It is important to remember though that some fantasies are not meant to be realized and doing research will help you figure out which ones those are. But for the most part, you can enjoy making fantasy reality by first writing it out. Writing it will reveal the parts of the fantasy that turn you on, what details you are still fuzzy about and most importantly it will give you a blueprint to share with your partner later.
Read books and other resources about each individual part of the fantasy. For example, if the scene involves pretending to be teacher/student and there is a fake infraction that leads to a spanking you will want to read about role playing, how to get into role, what clothing and scenery might help, which role you want to play and then safe and fun ways to give or receive a spanking.
Learn a bit about physiology and body mechanics.
It's possible, in a novel, that the female lead character has at one point or another been suspended by her wrists, rope tied into a pretzel or tied to a chair for a long period of time. While that sounds hot, how feasible is it to your body and wellness? Do you know the dangers with hanging from your wrists without support? Have you learned and practiced yoga for years, or what about bladder control. Being tied up for a long time will likely interfere with normal body functions. Learning about all of these possible scenarios so that you can be prepared for anything will allow you to suspend your own reality for the duration of your fantasy to life.
But don't just read Wikipedia and assume you understand how the ligaments and nerves in your wrists are affected by stress and weight or that you know you could hold your bladder for hours if you had to. What about how to get out of rope fast enough if you developed a cramp?
Ask questions before you try it yourself.
You are likely not the only one who has this fantasy. No matter what you think you are rarely alone in your desires. Seek out forums, blogs, and websites where you can ask the important and not so important questions. Experienced fantasy explorers have heard it all and tried most of it - so don't be afraid to come right out with those questions.
In the end, fantasies are great lived and relived in our minds but there comes a time when our desire to experience what we've read is strong. Make sure you have all the facts and place yourself firmly in reality before you try to explore them. It will mean a safer more enjoyable time for you and your partner.
Thoughts to Ponder
- What erotic novels have you enjoyed in the past?
- Are there any fantasies that you have yet to try in reality? What's stopping you?
- Think of your own tips you'd give someone who wants to try something they have read in a novel. What would you say to them?