My boyfriend and I have only recently taken the baby steps from a vanilla relationship to a D/s one. I feel like I’ve followed all the suggested steps about how to transition a relationship, I follow submissive guide religiously, I’ve read lots of books and done plenty of research. We’ve talked and set down guidelines. Although we aren’t a 24/7 D/s relationship, I feel like it’s not going anywhere? He isn’t doing his part to be informed or active as a Dom no matter how many times I suggest things.

Welcome to the world of D/s! As you noted, you’ve been taking baby steps. You’ve talked and discussed the beginning pieces that you want to add to your relationship to make it D/s. Now, it’s quite normal to want to devour information and read as much as you can with something new.

However, that doesn’t always work that way with everyone, and your boyfriend appears to be that way. Or maybe he feels he’s happy with how things are progressing. What has he said when you raised your concerns about his progress? Have you talked to him about it?

What I think happened, and if I’m wrong I apologize, is that perhaps you suggested this change and he is going along with it because it sounds interesting, but since you have the initial excitement you feel he’s not as motivated as you are. Excitement will drive you to find more and more and do more and more. While just agreeing to do something to appease a partner doesn’t have a similar drive.

Maybe he doesn’t know what the next steps are for him? Perhaps he’s done research when you aren’t around? It’s hard for me to know since this is just your side of things.

You can’t make him be more Dominant and you can’t make him show more interest unless he’s interested in doing so.

So.. my very best advice is to talk to him, continue talking and keep developing your relationship together. It might mean you share your research with him for him to learn anything.

How to Turn Your Submissive Experience into Education for Your Dominant

Perhaps what he needs is socializing with other Dominants? You could find a munch group in your area and attend a meeting. They are social in nature usually so there’s no pressure and he can talk to others that were right where he is at one time or another. You can search for local groups at

Don’t give up. If he really wants to take your relationship into D/s he will find a way to progress. You can only move as fast as your slowest partner though so you will likely have to be patient with him.