Thank you so Kayla Lords for answering this question from a reader!
Hello lunaKM , I have recently met a very dominant man. I have always been a bit submissive and love the idea of worshipping a man fully. The first night we were together I got pregnant I am keeping the baby and he is thrilled. But he tells me I need to research in order to be a true submissive and says that if I don't get this lifestyle we can't further our relationship meaning he doesn't care if I raise this baby alone.Everything I've read tells me a true dominant is supposed to be kind, caring, loving, and patient. I am so new to this and scared. He calls me pet and I do mostly everything he asks of me. But he will ignore my texts and go and do drugs and get drunk with friends. It's not that I want to stop him from having fun but it’s the fact that he has told me he will sleep with whomever he wants whenever he wants but he wants me to be his and his only unless he says otherwise.Everything I have read does not say this is OK in a true Sub Dom relationship respect has to go both ways right? He will do things against my wishes and at times messes with my head which again I have read a Dominant should never mess with the emotions of his sub or get involved with her at times he is not in the right frame of mind. If you could please help me and explain to me how I'm supposed to cope with this I would appreciate it so much thank you.Sincerely,Scared, Pregnant, and Confused
Dear Scared, Pregnant, and Confused,
First, let me send you ((HUGS)) on the unplanned for (but celebrated) pregnancy.
Second, I don’t tend to give advice this harshly, and I try to look at both sides to every situation, but in your case I only have one thing to say.
Run from this relationship as fast as you can.
He’s the father of your baby so you now have a link to him forever, but that doesn’t mean he should be or even deserves to be your Dominant.
Every action you’ve mentioned is a red flag in the BDSM community of a very uneducated Dominant or someone pretending to be a Dominant.
Not all D/s relationships are a love match or long-term, and yes, some Dominants have multiple partners. But everything is negotiated and agreed to before it happens. What you’ve described sounds like something much, much different.
Let me start at the beginning and go down point-by-point.
“...he tells me I need to research in order to be a true submissive and says that if I don't get this lifestyle we can't further our relationship meaning he doesn't care if I raise this baby alone…”
There is no such thing as a “true submissive” - first and foremost. How you submit to your Dominant depends on a million factors including your personality, his personality, your kinks, his kinks, what you like or don’t like, his likes and dislikes, your health, your life, your family. You get what I’m saying? Yes, you can read and learn about D/s and submission, but there is no research that is going to tell you how to be a “true” submissive. It’s all part of a relationship and constant, on-going communication and negotiation. It’s unique to you as individuals and as a couple. Any Dominant worth his or her salt will help you learn about submission either by sharing what they know, pointing out resources to you, or learning by your side. The fact that you have to do it on your own or he walks is the first sign of a bad Dominant (or just a wannabe).
“...He calls me pet and I do mostly everything he asks of me. But he will ignore my texts and go and do drugs and get drunk with friends. It's not that I want to stop him from having fun but it’s the fact that he has told me he will sleep with whomever he wants whenever he wants but he wants me to be his and his only unless he says otherwise.”
Ignoring you is a sign of disrespect. Doing drugs and getting drunk is a sign he doesn’t have control over himself. What a person puts in their body is their own business, but please don’t ever let him get kinky or have a scene with you while he’s under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
If the two of you discussed multiple partners and you agreed to be monogamous with him at the beginning of your relationship while also agreeing that he could have different partners, this might be okay - until the moment you’re no longer comfortable with it. But because you’re mentioning it in your question, I’m guessing that didn’t happen. This is yet another sign of a Dominant who thinks you’re there for his pleasure and he can do what he wants. No, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
“...He will do things against my wishes and at times messes with my head…”
This is a huge problem. A mind-fuck as part of a negotiated scene or kinky fun is one thing - especially if he’s a sadist, and you’re a masochist. Going against what you want and messing with your head sounds like possible abuse, and at the very least isn’t what good Dominants do.
You deserve to be with someone who cares about you as a person first, and a submissive second. You deserve someone who wants to help you grow as a person and submissive, who wants to both take their pleasure and give you pleasure. You deserve a partner, not a power-hungry person calling himself a Dominant.
Every single part of your question is a red flag.
This isn’t about coping within this relationship. It’s about removing yourself from it. You may never completely have him out of your life because of the baby, but if he’s threatening to leave, let him. Help him out the door. Or run as far away from him as you can.
This is about more than your position as a submissive, this is about your well-being as a person.
If he becomes violent or threatens you in any way, please get help: