Dear SG,

Me and my boyfriend have been talking about this. He's convincing me into it. We haven't experienced anything yet. I'm new at this, he’s a dominant. But he's leaving for 9 months deployment and I don't know how to do this long distance relationship.Sincerely,New to D/s

Dear New to D/s,

I’m sorry to hear your boyfriend will be gone for so long. Whether you’re kinky or not, long distance relationships are difficult even at the best of times.

Regarding D/s, I suggest you use the time that he’s gone to learn as much about BDSM, kink, and D/s as possible. Read through the pages here on Submissive Guide, follow other blogs, listen to podcasts, and take a look at different books that can teach you what all of this means. That will go a long way in helping you decide whether you want a D/s relationship with your boyfriend and what you think you might enjoy as a submissive.

As for what to do while he’s deployed, that may be tough, especially since communication can be tricky while he’s overseas. Try, as best as you can, to establish a routine for talking to one another, whether it’s Skype, email, or phone calls. The more you can talk to each other, the easier the distance will be, kinky or not.

If you want to play around with D/s while you’re apart, there are a few things you may want to consider. There’s orgasm control (if that’s something you’re both interested) - you can only have so many orgasms at certain times or with permission. He could give you tasks to do - exercises, things to read, a journal to write in, a specific bedtime or routine to follow in the morning - that you’ll do each day. When you speak to him, you’ll report how you did and if you had any problems or how you felt about it all.

Those are just some ideas of things to try and that’s assuming you’re enthusiastic and ready to get started. There’s nothing wrong with simply doing your research and waiting until he gets back to develop this new dynamic in your relationship.

Whether you wait or you jump in with both feet, the biggest thing to remember is communication. When you can talk to him, you need to be honest with how you feel and do what you’ll say you’ll do. You also want to listen to him and give him space to communicate with you, as well.

No matter when you decide to try out D/s in your relationship, take it slow, be patient with each other, and remember, it’s supposed to be fun and exciting (at least most of the time). If it feels like nothing but work and you’re not getting any pleasure out of it, you may need to slow down or reassess what you’re doing and what you want to try.