Continuing the video series on Beginning BDSM we are going to talk about safewords. So, in this series so far we've talked about how to define your kink, looking for a partner and staying safe. Perhaps you've found someone you'd like to develop a kinky relationship with and are ready to explore play. You need a safeword. What.. you don't know what that is? Well let me help you out. A safeword is a word or phrase used during play or D/s scenes to alert your partner to a problem. This could be a need to adjust position, or that you've reached your pain tolerance and need to slow down or stop altogether. A safeword is how you can protect yourself with a trusting partner. If you use your safeword, make sure you take care of each other afterwards; it can cause a sudden drop in emotions and adrenaline. And don't feel bad, you aren't a failure if you need to use it, you are exercising your personal responsibility.
What Makes a Good Safeword?
A good safeword is a word or phrase that is uncommon during play and easy to remember. Some of the easier safewords happen to be you or your partner's full name, a color system like the Stoplight system, where you use red for full stop, yellow or amber for slow down or check in and green for go go go (rarely used)! I've known a few people to use "mercy" as a pretty good safeword too. If you are going to be gagged you should also have a non-verbal option such as grunting "I'm a little teapot" or shaking keys or using a thumb clicker used in pet training.
Bad safewords are words used commonly in the midst of the scene. You might wonder why people don't just say "stop" as their way to get the scene to stop, but if you've ever moaned, "don't stop" or playfully begged your partner to "please stop" but not really meant it then you can see the issue. That word shows up on the midst of a scene and it means different things. The same rule applies to "no," "don't," and "I give up." Your safeword has to come easily to your lips and be so out of place that your partner can come out of their headspace to deal with and process it.
When to Discuss Safewords with Your Partner
You should discuss the use of a safeword before you wish to play; ideally during negotiation for what play you are going to do. Safewords can mean different things to each person, so make sure you are on the same page as far as when they might be used and how your partner will respond to them. For example, someone who might use the stoplight system could use "yellow (amber)" to simply call for a check in, or someone else might interpret "yellow" to mean change what you are doing now or I'm close to my limit. So make it clear what your safeword means and if you have a tiered system, what each word means. Oh and while it may seem silly at first, Dominants need a safeword too. While they are often in control of the play, when they stop because they are at their limit, physically, mentally, or they pulled a shoulder muscle they should safeword. That way, both of you understand each other's limits during that particular session.
If the Dominant doesn't bring up safewords, you should. If a new partner says they don't play with safewords, then I highly suggest you not play with them. Not playing with safewords is more for longer term relationships and for committed partners. Never agree to forgo your safety to appease someone else.
How to Use Your Safeword Responsibly
Using your safeword is often treated as shameful and distrusting of your partner, but that is far from the truth. Using your safeword when it's needed is looking out for yourself and respecting your partner who gave it to you to use. Alright so we've got it clear that you should use your safeword, but when? When should you use it?
A safeword is used when you can't take another moment of whatever is going on, be it flogging or spanking, bondage or humiliation play. You've hit a limit and need to broadcast that. Or if the position you are in or the bondage you are in gets drastically uncomfortable (what bondage is completely comfortable?) then you may need to call a halt to deal with it, or end the scene if there might be a medical issue to manage.
And speaking of medical issues; if at any point you feel light-headed, nauseated, dizzy, a sudden headache or faint, please use your safeword! These are indications that your body needs help. Often it means dehydration or low blood sugar, even if you aren't diabetic, but it could be something far worse. Stopping play and resuming later is smarter than passing out on your partner!
You can misuse a safeword if you try to use it to drive the scene or control what your partner is doing. For example. you really don't like to tool they are spanking you with. It's not pushing your limits but you just don't enjoy it. You have two choices, you can use your words to ask them to switch to something else, or you can end the scene completely and use your safeword when your limits haven't actually been reached, you just didn't like that tool choice.
Please keep in mind that if you are playing with someone you don't trust, then you can't trust them to heed your safeword either. Play responsibly.
I hope you've picked up a few tips to using safewords and have selected a word you'd like to use as your emergency stop during scenes. Make sure all your partners are aware of it's importance and don't be afraid to use it if it's needed.