There seems to be this very misguided idea that it is entirely acceptable for the dominant partner in a relationship to participate in aggressive play when they are angry, so long as it is referred to as a scene or as being kinky. I am going to tell you, on no uncertain terms that if your dominant is hurting you out of anger this is abusive.

Many submissives and slaves seem to think that this type of behavior is permissive, so long as they feel that they have done something wrong. If one of your vanilla friends came to you and said that they had been rude to their partner and were subsequently beaten or otherwise physically punished, would you be concerned? Of course you would, because you would become immediately aware that your friend is dating an abuser. So why is it different when you look at BDSM?

Yes, there are “punishments” which can be physical in the lifestyle. A slap in the face to remind you of your place within a scene, or in the cases of 24/7 elsewhere in the home, not being allowed to shave your legs for a week, a forced essay. But if your partner is actually angry at you, for any reason, they should not lay a hand on you. There is no instance in which this is okay because suddenly you are not following SSC.

Anger clouds judgment which eliminates the sane element, just as alcohol or drugs do. When the sanity is gone, there is a lack of safety occurring and your life becomes in jeopardy because they are not trying to train you, they are simply beating you. And no matter how much of a pain slut or masochist you are, beatings, when you have messed up, are not consensual – they may ease your guilt if you come from an abusive background because you may feel that you have served your penance, but know that this is not a healthy response.

I felt compelled to write this article because in a BDSM facebook group which I am a part of someone recently posted that they should have known better than to be mouthy to their dom because last time she did that she had a massive beer bottle shoved inside her rectum.

Let’s look at this scenario: She was mouthy – which she shouldn’t have been but, the punishment that was being administered puts her life in danger. The anal cavity forms a vortex with things going into them (which is why nothing without a base should ever be inserted into the rectum). The pressure of the sphincter contracting can cause the bottle to shatter and tear the inside walls of the rectum which are very close to a lot of important veins and arteries. Her dominant is risking her life because she was mouthy – does that sound reasonable?

If you are now trying to justify beatings or something that is less obviously dangerous than this woman’s case then you are looking at this the wrong way. Even if the beating is administered in exactly the same way which it is administered during play, thus it is physically safe, this is priming your mind and putting you in an abusive mindset. Establishing physically abusive routines is mental abuse as well as it changes the ways in which you interact with your Dom.

You should not be walking on proverbial eggshells around your partner. You should be striving to follow the rules established in your contract, and if physical punishments for misbehavior are what you have established in your contract, that is fine, but these cannot happen in the heat of the moment when your partner is angry.

80% of women are emotionally abused in their life, 30-50% of women are physically abused, and 15-33% are sexually abused. Take precautions and if you feel that you are in an abusive relationship, remember that you can always leave (Branch, Dretsch, and Richards, 2013). There are resources out there to help you.