Submissive. It’s a term with a lot of negative connotation to it in today’s society. Much of it has nothing to do with the submission practiced in D/s relationships but because most of us, when we first encounter the term, don’t know a thing about BDSM it can come as quite a shock to be described in this way.
In this video I’d like to help you understand what it means to be submissive in a Dominant/submissive context as it pertains to BDSM relationships. I want to debunk a few common myths and help you or your partner accept that being submissive can be a healthy expression of yourself or your sexuality.
Misconceptions of being submissive
Being a people pleaser does not always mean you are submissive in personality (I know a lot of Dominants who are also people pleasers)
Submissives are weak. It takes a strong person to choose to submit. The idea that submissives are weak comes from the thought that submissives get walked over and belittle themselves to their partners. Really, it comes from people who just don’t understand.
To be submissive, you have to be masochist. Having a D/s relationship does not mean you are also into BDSM or that you are masochist if you are. I like to think that masochism and it’s counterpart sadism is a sexual predilection.
All submission is sexual. Same as previously mentioned, your submission is not always linked with sexuality.
Submissives shouldn’t have their own opinions. Submissives are people, not obedient dogs. People are full of opinion and viewpoints and lives to live, submissive-identified persons included.
Is submission healthy?
Being submissive is a healthy expression of your personality, whether that be in your public or private life. Submissives are often able to live fulfilled lives and feel more connected with themselves and their relationships. I’ve often heard other submissives say that their life is better because they submit then before they embraced the D/s lifestyle.
How do you know you are submissive?
There are many different bottom roles that could fit you and one size does not fit all in any of them. I suggest that anyone who has being controlled fantasies specifically start with a bottom role and go from there. That way you can explore the kinky fantasies you have and not overwhelm yourself with the idea of surrendering control of other areas of your life (until you want to/unless you want to).
Let's take a look at the following four spaces to help you figure out if you are submissive. Apply them however they will work for your own personal situation.
Knowing you are submissive will have a mental aspect to it. When you think of serving others does it put you in a peaceful position? If it feels like the logical thing to do then it probably is. When I found that I was happy being submissive I stopped fighting myself and accepted being happy.
You may also have a spiritual connection to submission. I've often described my connectedness to my Dominant as being in prayer. I feel a higher power sort of connection when I please him. You may have an overall sense of bliss or complete happiness thinking about or participating in service.
Connecting to submissive can have an emotional response as well. You may cry uncontrollably, or smile so hard and so often that your cheeks hurt. There is a clear sign that you are submissive when you can look upon being of service to someone else and your heart aches with need. Your emotional response is usually the strongest response to submissive stimulus that you will be able to experience.
Lastly, when you are submissive you will develop a physical response to Dominance exerted at or near you. For many, this is sexual excitement but it could also be a need to physically get up and do something to bring your closer to that Dominance. I've had moments that only felt perfect when I listened to the primal urge to kneel or kiss his hand or do something to serve him.
Feeling all of these things at one time or another usually means you have a submissive mindset. It may not happen all the time, but the moments that do you should try to feed it. Develop a service you can provide someone else, volunteer in your community and certainly if you can explore a relationship with Dominance and submission at its core. You may find the calling you were hearing was one thing or another... or all of the above. Only you can know if submission is the right direction for you.
The best resources for someone just exploring are the multitude of books and online resources available to you. This website was a good first step and I highly suggest you browse through the hundreds of articles here about a lot of different things. How to Be Kinky and How to Be Kinkier by Morpheous are good starting points. So is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Phillip Miller. If you learn better visually, there's no better place than KinkAcademy, where for a small monthly subscription you can get kink educated. I highly recommend it. You can find links for all of the resources I mention in the description box below.
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