I've been struggling with my submission recently. It's been a difficult and painful experience for both KnyghtMare and myself. I've been resisting my natural desires to serve and obey and become questioning and testy. As I try to say as much as possible, I'm not a perfect submissive and I have issues like many of you do.
So, I have been asked by KnyghtMare to think about my submission again and to redefine why I want to submit in the first place. I'm finding it hard because I know why I submit but that seems to be countering the way I'm reacting lately. So I need to find alternative definitions for myself I think.
It's always a good thing to look at your submission from different viewpoints and to reassess why you are in the role that you are. It's how we grow and change. It's how we see what's working and what isn't.
When he asked me if I was in the role I wanted to be in I hesitated. I'm a stay at home, domestic submissive. I'm also his slut and pain toy. Is this who I want to be? If I slack on the chores am I still a domestic submissive? If I feel overly selfish does that mean I can't be submissive?
Endless questions that need answers and I'm afraid of the answers. Do you ever get that way?
When I start to have these problems and internal struggles there is one thing that brings me back to center and helps me focus. That is making KnyghtMare's coffee. I've done it since day one. It's something that is predictable, always the same routine and always something he needs every day. It's like reaffirmation every time I make it. Something silly in my head says, "if he needs coffee he still needs me," as if he will never make his own coffee.
I know it seems odd but that's what reminds me that I can always get back to me. No matter how hard things get, no matter what struggles I have. That coffee can bring me right back to it. It doesn't fix the problem, but it is the starting point. The place I turn to when I need to re-define who I am. In that moment I am the woman who makes his coffee and it branches from there.
Taking that first step and realizing that I can be reborn is a huge leap of faith. I have to believe in myself and what I am capable of before I can make his coffee and move on to bigger things.
Do you ever have to make a leap of faith in regards to your submission? What's it like for you?