From Submissive Guide Newsletter 6/19/10

Everyone has to start here. The very beginning, where all the jargon of BDSM starts to fill your mind and overwhelm your feelings. You think you are a pervert, or not normal. You could even be trying to suppress those kinky thoughts from your mind. But they keep creeping back in, don't they. For the brave souls that start searching for a common thread in their heads, a like-mindedness you can be sure that there is a sea of differences to swim through to get there.

What I'm talking about is the novice initiation period. It's that moment in your life when you come to terms with your kinky thoughts and you start to embrace them. You search for understanding, you read everything there is to read and talk to anyone that will listen to you to help you figure out what's out there.  In desperation you could be sending email after email asking for advice on where to start and what terms mean.

What you need to face pretty quickly is that no one has all the answers and no one call tell you how your experience is going to be or what your relationship(s) will be like.  It's all pretty overwhelming. Thankfully you can formulate the right answers from you with a bit of help.


Submissive or Slave? This gets knocked about by every single group, discussion forum and where ever 2 or more people gather. It will never be agreed upon as to what each of them really means. The reason for this is that these terms are not just their dictionary definitions, they are emotions, and characteristics, they are behaviors and personal interpretations.  A novice submissive will do best to not concern themselves over the terms until you feel comfortable enough to give yourself a name. Once you are able to decide how you define these terms you will be able to say what role you are.

So many other terms have the same issue. It's more than semantics but they get discussed over and over again. Just take my advice. Read the varying viewpoints, understand each side and then make your own conclusions. No one is wrong and no one is 100% right. The only person that has to understand these terms the same way that you do is your partner. (It makes for better compatibility and communication later.)


Another challenging thing to understand is levels of experience. The reason this is a hard one is exactly like any sexual experience. Say you had your first sexual experience at 15. Then you didn't have any sexual relationships until you were 21. Would you say you have 6 years experience? In BDSM a lot of people do this. They dabble in it for a bit and then have a long dry spell before they get into it again but they count this entire time as part of their experience. It's not something I agree with, but others will say that it counts.

For me, it's not experience that matters, but expertise. How much have you learned? How much practice have you had? What was your longest D/s relationship? I'd rather get to know someone who has had 3 months of recent intensive practice and experience than someone who has had  a year away from BDSM. But that's just me.


No relationship is cookie cutter. When you enter into an agreed arrangement with someone the relationship can be whatever you want it to me. This means for the novice, that when you find a partner that you are interested in you talk about everything in detail. Both of you need to share your wants and needs and be sure that you can provide the needs for the other person.

So, what's a D/s relationship like? Well, one is in control and the other follows orders. Other than that the sky is the limit. You could be a submissive that does all the domestic chores. You could be a bedroom submissive with all your skills used in the bedroom only. You could be a lifetime partner and companion. So many different options and you can be whoever you want to be as long as you have a partner to be it with!


No matter where you are in your baby steps, I hope that I've given you something to think about. The journey that you are entering into is a personal one. You can gain advantage by learning of other people's opinions and their experiences then building your own future from what you like.  Submissive Guide exists to hopefully give you a wide variety of opinion or at least impartiality. I'm never going to say one form of submission is better than another; just different. We are all different and perfectly happy living the lives we have chosen.

I hope your future will be just as wonderful.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. What one thing do you wish there was more information available for novices?
  2. How did you find BDSM/submission? What was your first glimpse like?
  3. What would you share with another novice about what you've learned so far?