There are a few "sins" in the world of BDSM; ignoring a safe word and touching that which does not belong to you are a few examples. But, while both of these are bad, one might be able to look at a different point of view. Someone may ignore a safeword because their scene involves "consensual nonconsent" and a safe word may take them out of character. A prison scene is an example of this. These scenes often involve a lot of negotiation and typically take place between tops and bottoms who know each other really well. One may touch what does not belong to them because the items are a safety hazard to those around. For example, if your bag fell from a table and the contents scattered, someone is likely to pick them up if you are not around to do so and the items are in a walkway.
There are a lot of different ways to play the devil's advocate for rule breaking and sometimes, there is actually a very good reason for it. However, that is neither here nor there and occurrences of that are really left best handled between the parties involved. My examples are merely that - examples and they are in no way indicative of my stand that any rule breaking is acceptable.
However, there is one rule that breaking it is considered a cardinal sin in the world of BDSM-outing a fellow lifestyler. Doing such can have life changing effects on their vanilla life and the kinky life of the person who does the outing. Effects on the vanilla life are obvious - someone's job may be compromised, the custody of their children may be in jeopardy and even their marriage may suffer. The effects of actually outing someone are not as drastic but they do carry a great deal of weight as well. If you out someone, you may find yourself in a form of "BDSM Siberia" because you could be banned from your local clubs, munches and even the community. AND, if you are banned in your community, you might find yourself banned in neighboring ones as well. Can you imagine how bad that would be? Not being able to attend events in your area but in others too? Not being able to even travel to out-of-state events because you cannot get a reference from the local ones? Or, managing to get into something, only to find out that people there know of this ban? Trust me, I cannot imagine loving my lifestyle as much as I do then someone taking it all away from me.
Now, the is an obvious way to out someone, by revealing that someone is part of the BDSM lifestyle. But there are also a few ways to do it that may not even occur to people.
- Calling someone by name on FetLife. Most people on FetLife have screen names and do not use their real names. If you are lucky enough to know someone's real name, do not use it in a public forum. The best bet is to use their screen name or screen initials.
- Tagging someone in pics-whether on FetLife or any other social site. You and your best friend may have attended the same event but if you tag them in a pic, especially on a site like Facebook, you can start a lot of fires that they now have to put out. The best bet is to ask their permission before you even consider using the pic and then respect their right to privacy if they say no.
- Talking about their presence at an event. I was once at a dungeon and listened to someone talk excessively about having seen Kinkster A and Kinkster B at another dungeon. She recounted, with minute detail, the scene, the intensity, the specifics and the interaction. It annoyed me to think that this person might one day see me play then tell a crowd of people about it. Best bet here, recount "the amazing needle scene" you saw but leave out the names or identifying characteristics of the players.
- Speaking to them in a public, vanilla place. If you run into someone at the local store, it is usually not a good idea to mention having seen them the night before "at that awesome party." If they are with someone, that person may be wondering what party it was, especially since such a hottie was there too. Best bet for this case - ignore them or let them speak first. I promise that if you ignore someone then message them later with your reason, they will not mind.
Now, please keep in mind that if your life is truly at risk, you may end up with little choice but to go to the proper authorities. If someone is stalking you or threatening you with bodily harm, you might have to take action to protect yourself. If you honestly feel that going to the local authorities is your only option, then, by all means, do so. If you can manage a courtesy message to the local group leaders as a "heads up" then it will be appreciated.
Ultimately it is hard to ever justify outing someone. Most people do so without malice; they are recounting a great party or just being friendly online. But, be careful doing so, even those small actions can have big consequences to the other people involved.
