BDSM checklists are often one of the first things you hear about when you begin your journey into BDSM and submission. Looking at a complex checklist you found on www.onewaytodobdsm.com (not a real site) can have you obsess over every term you don’t know.

I've even written about checklists several times on SubmissiveGuide.com.

But when it comes to these checklists, we all hear that you should have one and that you should keep it updated, but why are they valuable to begin with?

So What's the Big Deal Anyway?

For a novice submissive exploring BDSM, a checklist can open up a world of fantasies or scare you right back into the safety of your bedroom. Checklists are not meant to scare you or overwhelm you, but I've seen massive lists that are more like lists of all sorts of rare fetishes and extreme play that only a few ever explore. Why you would want or need that on a novice checklist is beyond me. Let’s not make more work for ourselves when fun exploration is the plan!

A checklist can be used to open up a conversation with yourself and your partner. It can help you and a new partner get on the same page and learn if you are compatible in the area of kinks that interest you.

However, a BDSM checklist is also helpful for existing relationships. If your interest in kink is new, you are most likely quite nervous to share what your newfound fantasies are or things you want to try but are afraid to ask for. Placing a checklist in front of your partner will make it easier to talk about new and foreign things to you. If you want to open a conversation about kink with your partner, don’t just surprise them with a checklist. Come prepared.

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner

If you and your partner are already into BDSM, updating your checklist and sharing it every so often can freshen ideas and bring new excitement to your sex life.

A Submissive’s New Year’s Resolutions: Reviewing and Updating your Checklist

This doesn’t mean that you need to have a partner to use a BDSM checklist. As a single person, you can discover more about yourself and focus on what you really want from sex and/or BDSM partners in the future.

What Works?

I've written about the form of a checklist that you create yourself before. This is the best form of a checklist for a new person who wants to figure out what to do and what they might be interested in. I'm going to give you the directions again.

Take out a sheet of paper, or use your word processing software, and write down everything from your fantasies and things you've heard or read about. This is not meant to be a list to end all lists; only a list of the things you are aware of. Scroll through BDSM websites and pick up thoughts there; read erotic fiction and write down the things that excite you. Everything goes on this list.

Let me get you started:

  • Bondage
  • Spanking
  • Flogging
  • Nipple clamps
  • Gags
  • Blindfolds
  • Rough sex
  • Anal play
  • Hair pulling
  • Collars

Once you've exhausted your mind on what you have heard about, start giving them a rank. Use a ranking system you will understand. Here’s the one I use:

0 - No interest

1 - Little Interest

2 - Some Interest

3 - Mostly Interested

4 - Lots of Interest

5 - Must Have

Great, Now What?

Hang on to this list. You are probably going to refer to it as you become more familiar with BDSM, talk to potential partners, and ultimately explore SM with someone. Each time you come across an activity that you've never heard of or that sounds interesting, make sure you add it to your list and rank it.

What Else Can You Add to the List?

Your checklist can also list relationship aspects you learn about or want to try. Things like submission, rules, tasks, and restrictions of interest, types of relationships you hear about like D/s, M/s, human pets, and Daddy/little. There are numbers more. Types of service or skills you might like to learn about can also go on this list. Ideas are limitless.

That's Great for Beginners, But I've Been at This For Awhile

You are right, a BDSM checklist isn't always necessary when you've been at this awhile. Do you remember where you put your little checklist when you started? When was the last time you looked at it? You could learn a lot about where you are going in your explorations and give you ideas about what you want to try next.

It’s time to look at an extensive checklist created by someone else to learn what more you could be exploring. Some of these items even surprised me after more than a decade in the lifestyle.

A Few Checklists Available Online

If you are in a relationship, a checklist is even less useful as you explore each other. I don't even use the list anymore. When Master and I want to try something new, we don't need the checklist to see if we are compatible anymore. We just talked about it. That’s because we’ve learned how to talk to one another and aren’t embarrassed or uncomfortable sharing these things with each other. That’s a hurdle many relationships have to overcome, but it is possible! If you’re still learning how to talk about the things you want to try, sharing an updated checklist with each other might be the best way to start the conversation!

Take It To Another Level

Keeping a checklist is also nice if you are developing your own training or slave resume. Ensuring it's accurate and up to date is one of the best ways to let Dominants know your play experience levels.

Whatever you decide to do with a checklist, having one as a novice is almost vital to your explorations.