Dear SG,

My Dominant has a habit of teasing me without any following 'relief'. He will get my motor running and then leave me all riled up. He gets busy with something else. Sometimes this teasing can go on for weeks, even months because of his busy lifestyle. How can I cope with the frustration?! Is it unfair for me to ask that he doesn't 'signal' sex anymore?


Painfully Teased

Dear Teased,

There’s only one thing I can tell you to do in a situation where your frustration is because of his “busy lifestyle” and not some sort of D/s game you’re playing.

You need to talk to him about it. Let him know that the teasing is fun, and the frustration is exciting, but it’s bothering you. Whether you’re like me and a withheld orgasm can be physically painful (I get stomach cramps and it’s definitely not a “good” pain), or you’re feeling forgotten and unloved, it’s worth a conversation.

Now, that being said, think back to your agreement with your Dominant. Does he have control over your orgasms? And if so, what exactly does that mean? (It means something different for every D/s relationship.)

Can you masturbate if you have his permission? Are you allowed to ask for relief?

If those things weren’t discussed, the time to talk about them is now. And even if you did talk about it and decide on some level of orgasm control, if it’s not working for you anymore and it’s no longer fun, exciting, or feeling like a part of your submissive, you definitely need to discuss it with him.

If your frustration isn’t part of a consensual game of power and control (and sometimes of sadism and masochism, if that’s how you identify), and it’s truly because he “forgets,” you definitely need to work something out with him so you can find relief.

It’s not uncommon in a D/s relationship for a Dominant to give a submissive permission to masturbate and orgasm. They often attach rules to it like asking first, taking a picture, calling or Skyping to let them watch you.

Be respectful when you talk to him. Find a time when you can focus on each other. Think about - and even write down - what you want to say before you talk so that you remember all your points. And don’t be afraid to offer a solution - it’s up to him to accept it or not - but you’re not topping from the bottom by sharing an idea or two. I can’t tell you to ask him to stop “signaling” sex, but I will advise you to let him know how the lack of relief is affecting you.