The idea of orgasm control or orgasm denial often strikes fears in novice submissives. "What do you mean I give over my ability to orgasm whenever I want?" Sure, you could think of it that way, but in terms of your submission, it could mean so much more. It could be an intense connection with your Dominant and a way to deepen your sexual desires.
Let me start with the basic definitions.
Orgasm control is when a Dominant decides the submissive's orgasms. This control can be from not allowing the submissive to come without permission to requiring that all orgasms be given by the Dominant. Often masturbation is not allowed or only allowed to the edge. Many other variations also exist.
Read More: Learning How to Ask for an Orgasm
Orgasm denial is much like a game to some Dominants. It's an activity where a submissive is brought to the brink of orgasm and then denied permission to orgasm. Many times this also means the cessation of contact. It can be done occasionally during play or be a long term modification to that submissive's rules. In many relationships where the male is submissive, it includes the use of cock cages and long duration denial.
The truth is that while it seems common, not all Dominants enjoy controlling a submissive's orgasms. It is more likely seen in Female Dominant/male submissive relationships. I don't know the reason for this, nor do I have any statistics, but only what I've seen and read. My Dominant, KnyghtMare is more into control than denial. He likes to know when I'm nearing orgasm. It's a power and pleasure thing. That's not to say that he never plays with denial. He likes to watch me suffer, and denial brings out the desperation in me that feeds that need in him.
Getting started with orgasm control begins with communicating with your partner about their expectations and desired results. You're going to have to put in practice to make this work and if there will be any ramifications for not being able to maintain control.
I'm allowed to have orgasms and masturbate on my own without permission. We learned early on that if I had to ask, I just didn't, and that led to no masturbation at all, and without frequent orgasms, I stopped being horny and craving sex. My interest in sex plummeted. As soon as KnyghtMare allowed me to masturbate and have orgasms on my own, my sexual desire skyrocketed. He does like to know when I've masturbated, so when he asks me, I have to tell him truthfully when my last orgasm was. His control has shifted over time, but I know that he could withdraw his permission at any time, for his own enjoyment.
An exciting training option for orgasm control is Orgasm on Command training. It's a form of hypnotic suggestion and Pavlov's Theory that can and does work. The pavlovian theory is a learning procedure that involves pairing a stimulus with a conditioned response. Then the Dominant owns your orgasms because you can't control them yourself. A trigger word, phrase, or touch sets it off.
When it comes to your submission, offering over your sexuality in this way can be very humbling. An orgasm can be a lot of things to people. It can be stress relief, pleasure, connection, or even just private self-care. Giving over your orgasms to someone else to control is part of ultimate surrender. I encourage you to take some time to learn what it might look like for you and then talk with your partner about it.
Things to consider when negotiating orgasm control or denial are:
- how to handle permission
- what correction, if any, will there be if you can't maintain control
- how to communicate the need for an orgasm.
The training itself is involving and usually requires pretty consistent work ("fun"), so dive right in!
Offering something so intimate is powerful, and the surrender that comes from it may deepen your relationship or give you something more to explore.