Imagine not being in control of your own orgasms, you’ve consensually given over that part of your sexuality to your partner. It’s exciting but also scary. Many D/s relationships both online and off have some element of orgasm control to them. One day your Dominant tells you that you are going to learn to orgasm on command. So how do you get started?
I have to start out by saying that I am not an expert on orgasm control and can only write about what I understand and have learned. That said, KnyghtMare and I have been embarking on making orgasm on command work for our relationship and ultimately I know it will happen. It's an exciting journey in itself and I've learned more about myself and how an orgasm affects me that I'm very grateful for the knowledge. Also, this post is about how the submissive female experiences the training, not the mechanics of said training. There are many really good articles about Orgasm on Command from the Dominant perspective. Here’s a short list:
In beginning a training program that involved coming by command I had to be open to it. It wasn't hard at all for me to accept that my Dominant could make me orgasm because he had proven time and again that he was capable and he already had the control of my orgasms. I rarely masturbated even though I had permission and I have always had to ask for orgasms during sex and play. It all starts with your mind as I’m sure you’ve heard people say. As a submissive, if you feel that it just can't happen then it won't. You have to be willing to accept the possibility that an orgasm without physical stimulus is possible and that you want it to happen.
Now, I'm taking some assumptions with this article that you already know how to orgasm and can do it without difficulty. If you have issues coming to orgasm you should look into working on that first (practice makes perfect) before you add the pressure of coming by command. A book that might help you understand and have better orgasms are " The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm" by Vivienne Cass Ph.D.
Once you are ready to embark on orgasm control it is important to understand what it is. Orgasm on command is a shift from having orgasms, and the anxiety it entails, to NOT having orgasms. The "fear" of not being able to orgasm is replaced by the "fear" that you will orgasm without permission. That suggestion is most powerful. It's a mental conditioning that requires full trust and confidence in your Dominant that he can command you and honest trust in yourself that you will comply without interference or stimulus.
This is where the majority of the training lies.
The first thing KnyghtMare had me do was to give over control of my orgasms. This happened within days of agreeing to be under his control. I have not been allowed to orgasm without his permission since then. I have been asking for orgasms for years, sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says no or to wait. This rule was hard at first, because we first met online and my sexual desires didn’t always happen when he was available to grant permission even if I asked (being halfway around the world can do that to you) and I really did enjoy being free to masturbate.
I have received many questions over the years about how to comply with this order, especially when the relationship is online or long distance. I’ve had a few novice submissives even suggest that they’d masturbate and just not tell their Dominant. Don’t do this! First, you agreed to obey the rule, and obedience is a cornerstone of submission. If you don’t want to submit, then don’t submit but don’t hold up a guise that you are submitting when you aren’t. Also, when you masturbate without permission you are lying to your Dominant and in many D/s exchanges that is a harsh punishment or an end of the relationship. Hopefully you don’t want that.
And finally, masturbating without permission will break down the orgasm control training. Remember what I said above, that orgasm control is no longer the fear of not having orgasms but of having them without permission. If you override your partner’s wishes and masturbate because you can get away with it, you will not get anywhere in the orgasm control training either. While this, in my opinion is a lesser evil than being disobedient and outright lying to your Dominant, you don’t want the degradation of orgasm control training either.
One of KnyghtMare’s favorite games now is edging. During our sex play, he likes to see how long I can edge before going over. He keeps me on the brink of orgasm for what can feel like ages. When he finally gives in to my begging, the orgasm is quite intense. A personal caveat, however; if I edge too long it has a chance to make my orgasm go away completely and no matter how much sexual stimuli I have it just never happens. Once you learn where that limit is you definitely want to prevent that in the future. Sexual frustration is fun, but there is a limit to it!
There are a couple of games you can play to help you learn when you are at the apex of your orgasm, just before it is uncontrollable and that’s what you need to know heading into the next step of the training.
You or your partner brings you close to orgasm and then your Dominant counts you down from 10 or 5 and at the end of the countdown they tell you to come. Only then can you orgasm. It’s a practice of learning to know when the edge is really the edge and also helps you associate your partner’s command with your orgasm. That is a key step in understanding orgasm on command.
It may come as a no-brainer, but in order to practice orgasm on command you have to have a lot of orgasms and masturbation. Masturbation can be solo or shared, but having a scheduled time daily (or more often) will make your body and mind connect all the dots to sexual excitedness. And it’s fun!
Announce Your Orgasms
Another practice is to tell your partner when you are preparing to orgasm.This is especially helpful because they can see how your body prepares for orgasm, from how flushed you get, rigidity in limbs, changes in your clitoris and vaginal walls and so much more. After all, your job in this exercise is to try to not orgasm without permission, but theirs is to learn every nuance of your sexual arousal and orgasm so they can manipulate it and you. That’s not an easy task until they can see it in action and learn from it.
These are the first tentative steps and the most common for people into orgasm control like we are. We've been at this stage for years. And then we went to a presentation on orgasm on command at a local convention and listened to the presenter's methods. It not only provided us with our next steps, but helped us learn even more.
In the next article in this series, I share with you what I learned in the class and the process of mental conditioning in Orgasm on Command Training - The Process for the Submissive.