Hi Luna. I'm a sub and I have an online Dom. We have a lot of fun together but he wants far more time and play from me than I can afford to give. I told him this but he still wants more. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to leave him but I also feel guilty about not being able to give him what he wants/needs and I'm stressed because of the time constraints. I recently started lying to him about why I wasn't available to play. I didn't want to lie to him but I couldn't play and if I had told him the real reason, he would have been upset so I made it seem like the reason was beyond my control. I hate lying to him but I don't feel like I had a choice. I don't know what to do. I'm guilty and stressed and ashamed and his support through the "reasons beyond my control" is increasing all of that every day. I feel like I'm hurting myself in an attempt to not hurt him and that if the truth ever comes out, he'll be hurt even more than he would have been otherwise and that he'll leave me because of this. I guess my question is, do you think I should keep doing what I'm doing or do you think I should come clean? Thanks.
Dear pressed for time,
It's a slippery slope once you start lying to continue the lying. Coming clean now will hurt him there's no doubt about that. It's hurting you now to have to lie because he's pressuring you for the time you can't give.
So my first question to you is, when you were setting up this relationship online did you specify that you prioritize your real life activities over the online? Did you tell him that he can't expect more time from you than you are able to give? If not, call a meeting of the minds right away and establish those boundaries. You may be submissive, but you are still a person and you can and should set limits on more than just the type of play you are willing to do for him, but also expectations on your time with him, your time away from him and so much more.
If he doesn't respond well to your requests for the available time you set then he's not really thinking of your needs, in my opinion. Yes, online relationships can have a lot of play in them, but unless you plan to live online then you have priorities that exist outside the computer screen. Which makes me wonder what he does that allows him so much time in front of the computer. I'm not criticizing, of course, since I do spend a lot of time at the computer, but I still have priorities set. Is his priority really playtime?
You shouldn't have to lie to him about what you need to do away from the computer and why you can't be available. He should accept the truth and not push you to override those commitments. Something just doesn't feel right about his disregard for your life and priorities.
Would you accept this sort of behavior if it wasn't cloaked under the D/s relationship blanket? If he were a guy you were having fun with online would you accept his guilt trips and the need to lie to get anything done away from the computer?
I wish you luck figuring out what's more important.