I am 28-year-old gay male and have been following your website for some time now, THANK YOU. I have always been attracted to dominant men and I am now married to one. My question is how to take our relationship to a formal 24/7 D/s place. Some of the challenges are the following: I am an awful submissive, I yearn to submit but I constantly top from the bottom and have problems letting go. I have incredibly annoying expectations of how I want our relationship, sex, “scenes” life etc to be. I also have difficulty with maintaining my mind space. Finally, I have spoken with my husband about my desire for dominance but he has verbally expressed no interest in the lifestyle as a formal commitment or to put labels in our dynamic. Still, he is a natural Dom, what he likes, asks and how he approach our relationship is proof. Some examples are how he enjoys submissive behavior at all times, is sexually dominant always, enjoys best when I am meek and quiet, he has me tattooed with his name, he enjoys best to know and control of my every day, he is very protective and nurturing and he DEFINITELY seeks for us to be a priority and for him to be the priority in my life.

HOW and WHERE can we start advancing our relationship with the challenges presented before Thank you Perfect sub dreamer

Hello Perfect sub dreamer,

I can understand your desire to move to a formal 24/7 space, but from the sounds of your letter you have a long way to go before that would even be possible.

First, I’d like to address that you said your partner has told you they have no interest in making the relationship a formal D/s one. And yet you are pushing it on them. Someone can be naturally dominant without the trappings of D/s in any other form. It’s great they know what they want and how to get it. It’s obvious you are happy with him.  You can not make someone change. They are aware of your desires, now the ball is in their court.

So what can you do? You can work on yourself. You said you have expectations and push him to do things he’s not willing to do (bottom-topping) but does them anyway. A huge part of submission is actually submitting to the will of another. If that means listening to him when he says no - then do it. If you know you force his hand a lot, learn to stop it before it happens. Practice being obedient for periods of time and see how that makes you feel and how well the relationship runs.

Then stop expecting things to go your way. If you want him to be the Dominant you have to let things go his way. That’s a part of being submissive. I would hope he has your overall well-being in mind - but getting your way by force isn’t a healthy way to have D/s. It’s actually quite negative for any sort of relationship.

And lastly, if you haven’t already, talk to him about your hopes and dreams and expectations for a D/s relationship. Are you trying to live a fantasy or can you really incorporate some of what you want into your lives without changing the way he wants to live as well? Compromise on things, and keep the lines of communication open.