Dear Submissive Guide,

I have recently entered into a D/s relationship with a man that I've had an on/off sexual relationship with for 10 years. I would describe or sexual encounters up to now as vanilla, but intense and occasionally mildly aggressive. But we both have an interest in D/s, he has experience, I don't. I'm enjoying the submissive role, but yesterday we tried fisting and it didn't go well. (I want to add that he has a very large penis, and has used 3 or 4 fingers before with no issues at all). So we tried fisting, it was uncomfortable but still pleasurable, I felt he was taking it slow, but we had to stop as he noticed I was bleeding. This proceeded to get worse, I ended up having severe bleeding for 10 hours afterwards (and I mean severe - I've given birth to two children naturally and never experienced anything like this). During that time I was admitted to hospital, fainted due to extreme blood loss, required a blood transfusion and iv fluids, and only narrowly escaped needing surgery to repair the vaginal tear that we had caused (I say "we" because I truly believe we are equally responsible for this injury). Doctors are hopeful that the tear will heal on its own, and blood loss has slowed to a very small amount now. Medical advice is to abstain from sex entirely for 6-8 weeks, and take it really easy after that. I absolutely will follow the advice. But if I'm honest, I'm scared to have sex at all ever again. I'm also worried how this will affect the dynamic of our D/s relationship. He feels awful that he hurt me so badly, and I wonder if he will now struggle to continue what we started. I know communication is key, so really I need to talk to him about that. I hope we are able to carry on our exploration, as it is something I've been curious about/interested in for several years but am only now starting to truly explore. I know I could only have a D/s relationship with someone I trust, which is why I chose this man. My questions I guess are - 1) have you known anyone to suffer such bad consequences of fisting and then go on to have a normal sex life? 2) realistically, would it be even remotely safe to try fisting again, or should I take this as a sign that it isn't for me, despite enjoying it? 3) if fisting is a particular interest/kink of his, would it be fair, or possible, to want him to continue our D/s relationship without that aspect? Sincerely, Fisting Fail

I think it’s safe to say that anyone reading this is glad to know that 1) you’re okay now (or you will be) and 2) that you’re listening to medical advice in order to heal.

Your questions are legitimate ones, and I hope I can address them adequately.

Personally, no, I’ve never heard of such drastic consequences for fisting. My first question would be, did you use enough lube? The key to fisting, something I have myself enjoyed in the past, is to use more lube than you think you should and then add more lube to that amount. If you did, would a slower warm-up have been better? In some cases, it can take days and weeks of stretching those walls and then up to an hour or more for fisting when the fist in question is rather large (or the vagina smaller than average).

Assuming all of that was done, it is possible that for the two of you fisting isn’t a good idea. Even if it wasn’t, only you and he can decide if you want to take the chance and risk of future injury. My recommendation would be to talk to your doctor about the possibility of future injury - yes, this can be awkward and you may have to seek out a kink-friendly physician if you think your doctor isn’t going to give you an answer without attempting to shame you.

Can you have a normal sex life after this injury? Assuming you follow medical advice, take it easy - at least at first, and play safe, I would imagine the answer is yes but because everyone is so unique, it’s a conversation best left between you and your doctor, and a conversation for you and your Dominant.

The last question is what concerns me the most. Since I’m not a doctor, I’m not going to give you medical advice about your body and fisting but when it comes to kinks and fetishes, I think your worry is a common one. Many submissives wonder that if they can’t do one specific kink or fetish with their partner if the relationship is doomed.

In a relationship where you connect in multiple ways, this shouldn’t be a concern. One kink that doesn’t align - whether due to desire or, in your case, a medical issue - isn’t grounds to end an entire relationship. Think about it from a different perspective. What if your Dominant could no longer spank you with his hand because of an injury - he could use toys, he could do other things, but his hand was out? Would you leave him over that or would you find ways to accommodate this injury? Most people (assuming the relationship is a good one) find ways to accommodate their partner. This should be no different.

But even in relationships where the kinks don’t align purely because of personal preference (instead of medical need), two people can still make it work and have a great relationship even if they can’t or don’t want to do something the other person enjoys. In vanilla relationships, there’s no “requirement” that every personal preference you have agrees with your partner’s preferences (think politics, religion, sports teams) - why should the same requirement exist for D/s relationships?

If fisting is truly out for you, talk to your Dominant (talk to him anyway, in general) and let him know your concerns. In the meantime, make a list of everything you can still do that you enjoy and the things you still want to explore together - not to validate you or your relationship but use it as a reminder that there’s much more to your relationship (and your explorations) than one kinky act. Remember, there’s more to D/s than just sexual acts. While you’re healing (assuming it’s safe) you may want to explore those avenues and see where it takes you. You may find other parts of D/s that you enjoy as much or more than fisting - and it will help keep you connected while sex is out of the question.