from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2-6-16
Have you ever felt like if you made a suggestion or requested a change in the relationship to your Dominant was horribly inappropriate, that it was overstepping your boundaries as a submissive? What about asking for something you'd like to do, like have sex or play, or even just go out to dinner? Do you clam up thinking that it's not your place to make those requests?
What if I told you that you were wrong. That it's in your best interest to get what you want or need from any relationship you are in and that includes one that has power dynamics in place. We do a lot of talking about how to make our Dominants happy that we forget that we need to make sure we are happy in the process. That means making sure that what we signed up for is what we are getting.
Do you know what you want and need in your relationship to feel fulfilled, right now? Are you getting your needs met? If not, then you need to talk to your Dominant about getting them fulfilled. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but Dominants are not mindreaders. You do, in fact, have to tell them what you are thinking and feeling.
I think a small part of why we have a hard time opening up to our Dominants is that we treat them like they are gods. A god complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility. We hold them up on high and make them our knight in shining armor that can do no wrong and always prevails. But we need to remember that our Dominants are human and can fail. They can and do make mistakes, even forget things. They don't consider themselves gods at all. In fact, I bet they wish submissives would stop assuming they were more than they are.
I know that talking to your Dominant about needs, desires and hopes is scary business, but that's exactly what you need to do. So I'm going to help you prepare yourself for these important, and sometimes not important conversations so that you don't feel like you are ordering him around or stepping outside your submission to do so. It is possible, trust me. And I bet your Dominant will be grateful you had the courage to speak up.
I know what a lot of you are saying. But asking for what I want and raising concerns to him is topping from the bottom! No, no it's not. If you are not forcing him to make changes that work in your interest then you aren't topping from the bottom.
Well then, now that that issue is out of the way, let's put our thoughts together and get talking:
Pull all your thoughts together.
If you need to write them down then do so. I know I've had moments that I have something I feel I need to talk about but can't figure out how to voice it in a way that makes sense. Journaling privately about it tends to help me put my thoughts in order and can even cause revelations that you didn't consider.
Practice what you want to say while alone.
Use the mirror or just talk out loud to yourself so that you know what you need to say and to give yourself the confidence to do it. Use the phrase "I feel". The more you say the things that cause you to catch in your throat the more likely they will come out easier when the time comes to have that important, difficult discussion with your Dominant.
Plan time to have the conversation.
You don't want the distraction and you don't want to do it after sex or play. Tell your partner that you have something important to discuss and you would like to schedule the time to have a conversation.
Sit down and ask for the right to just talk without interruption and lay it all out.
You need to feel that you are on equal footing during this discussion. It's not about D/s, it is about two people in a relationship that needs something addressed. So take off the mantle of Dominant and submissive and be people renegotiating your relationship.
If you are still afraid to talk about what you need from the relationship then you need to ask yourself why that is. If a D/s relationship is built on trust and mutual respect is there something undermining that and you don't trust them or they make you afraid to voice your thoughts? That's not healthy and can lead to more complicated relationship issues.
Remember, your job is to take care of you. Every Dominant is going to agree that they want you to take care of you first, and that means being aware of your needs and desires and make sure you are happy and fulfilled in your place. So don't let your sense to be meek and "submissive" means you can't ask for what you need. Just do it. You owe it to yourself to be happy. I hope you can overcome your fears and lay your heart on the table.