Creating a list of hard and soft limits is generally one of the first things that we as submissives do when we come the realization that we’re interested in the lifestyle. Sometimes these are long lists and sometimes they’re short, but usually, we have a good idea of the things we’re interested in, the things that make us nervous, and the things we have no desire to touch under any circumstances. The items on these lists tend to shuffle and shift as we explore our desires as a sub, and as we put our fantasies into practice. Sometimes our hard limits become soft limits, and sometimes our soft limits become interests that we want to cultivate and explore.
My Dom has been a real superstar in the five years that she and I have been together. We are each other’s firsts in a lot of ways, and she’s gone above and beyond my expectations in defining and redefining her own hard and soft limits during the time we’ve been together. A lot of our interests from the start seemed to line up fairly nicely, but my Dom has made a couple of key concessions on my behalf over the last five years (for which I am utterly thankful) and in return, I’ve been working hard to overcome one of my firmer limits for her pleasure.
I don’t remember exactly how long ago the conversation was, or what we were doing that inspired it, but it occurred to me about halfway through that my Dom was very gently hinting that she liked the aesthetics of a posture collar and would like it if I’d eventually wear one for her.
Despite my willingness to please her, the thought made me exceptionally uncomfortable. My chief concern with the idea of a posture collar wasn't that I didn't like the design or the overall effect once on, it was that I have a real issue with things being pressed against my throat for prolonged periods of time. It's a dislike that borders a phobia--to the point where I rarely wore necklaces before my collar, and certainly never wore my collar to sleep, even though I wore it very loosely throughout the day. Even now, with about three years of work behind me, my everyday lock collar hangs loosely at the hollow of my throat rather than pressed against my neck.
Still, I really liked the idea. I think I enjoy being an ornament around the house for my Dom as much as my Dom likes the idea of me being ornamental, and the thought of sitting pretty wearing a posture collar was one that I found exceptionally appealing, even though I hated the idea of wearing something that stiff and that large around my neck.
I think I told her that I would think about it. I’d already expressed my nervousness at the idea and she had expressed her understanding, but I’d already decided that I wanted to be able to please her in that way, so I spent a good hour or so on Google Images looking at posture collars and trying to figure out what made them unsettling for me. It has something to do with where they begin and end, I think. Things that are between four and five fingers wide actually make me more nervous than the collars that come down passed the collar bones and have support for the chin and jaw. Collars that wedge themselves tightly against the jawline without the chin support are still a complete turn off.
At the time, I was wearing a thin, leather bell collar with about two fingers worth of room. I couldn’t wear it to work because it was obviously a collar, so I put it on every day when I got home and took it off when I went to sleep. I thought that maybe wearing a collar that was a little thicker would help make me feel slightly more comfortable with the idea of wearing a posture collar, so I proposed as much to my Dom, and while she looked, I took it upon myself to practice wearing my collar a little tighter.
The next time my Dom visited, she gave me a collar that was twice the width of my bell collar. It’s designed in a way that looks a bit like a chunky, quirky necklace, despite the fact that it has a working padlock on it, and it was loose enough that I didn’t mind wearing it, despite the width and weight. It’s the collar that I wear every day, from the moment that I get up to the moment I go to sleep (though apparently, it doesn’t match everything I wear which kills one of my more fashion sensitive friends). As I became more comfortable with the new collar, I decided to start sleeping in it. I prefer to do this when my Dom and I are together because I figure that it something happens, she’ll have the wherewithal to help me remove it.
I do currently have a collar which is in that scary 4-5 inch range. I’m not able to wear it often because I share a house with family, and when I do wear it, I can’t wear it very tightly. Even so, there are still times when I have to remove it throughout the day for one or two minute intervals to keep from feeling too pent up or anxious about it being strapped to my neck. It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve started working on my discomfort in wearing high collars, and more often than not, it’s frustrating as anything. There are some great collars on the internet that really inspire me to feel more comfortable with wearing posture collars, and it’s often difficult to look at something and want it and feel discomforted by it at the same time. A lot of times, I wish I could just poof my worries away and move on to the next limit I want to get rid of, but it takes a lot of time and effort to make sure that you’re comfortable with new and nerve-wracking experiences.
One of the nicer things that I’ve learned in a year or so is that overcoming my limits is something I’m completely capable of. Stepping out of my comfort zone in my role as a sub isn’t entirely different from stepping out of my comfort zone in other aspects of my life. The old cliché, “slow and steady…” is oddly applicable to overcome my limits, and my Dom’s constant support is a big reassurance that I’m on the right track, even when I have to ask to remove my collar for whatever reason during the day.
Overcoming limits is a part of the journeys we take as subs. It’s a healthy, often invigorating challenge that I look forward to completing and starting again because it gives me a good long term goal to strive for when serving my Dom.
Are there any limits that you're currently working to overcome? What kinds of steps have you taken? Comment below.
Until next time,