from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 8/29/15

What ARE you expected to do and know as a submissive? Well, for many who are just starting out, the answer really is not much. But that's not the kind of answer you accept out of me, right? There's more to it, isn't there? Of course there always is, but you have to begin somewhere and then build your knowledge an experience from there. So let me tell you what you can do to make sure you are better informed before you enter a relationship and shortly after you've found a Dominant to submit to so your question of what is expected of you can be answered as fully as possible.

When you are single, there's a lot you can do to learn about yourself and the type of dynamic you want to be in which means you can arm yourself with knowledge of what MIGHT be expected of you in a relationship. Read some of the recommended books for novices to learn about BDSM and the dynamic styles that you will be striving to explore. While you are reading write down any questions that come to you from your reading so that you can find answers. Make notes on things you like and things you don't like so that you can expand your checklist and learn about things that are brand new.

And where do you go to learn these things? Well, there are several places that I recommend.  I always want you to consider meeting people face to face in a BDSM support group. It's one of the best ways to see a variety of D/s dynamics at work and get honest and helpful answers to your questions. You can find out if there is a group near you at Find A Munch or search engine. Just use the keywords "BDSM" and "munch" with the city you live in, or city nearest you to see what comes up.

I know that getting out into the community doesn't work for everyone, so if you can find an online community that you feel comfortable in, then ask your questions there. The largest of these is FetLife so if you haven't been there yet, see if you like it. I highly suggest the Novices and Newbies group there. It's amazingly helpful, non-judgmental and purpose built for answering those questions that you may feel are stupid or ignorant because you are still new. There are other, smaller online forums, so you could always search for them if you want.

Unlike vanilla relationships, which you are exposed to from the time of your birth through your life, researching D/s relationships is almost necessary if you are attracted to them and wish to explore that yourself. Relationships with set roles are not as common in everyday exposure so when you look for examples of D/s relationships you really have to join a community to see them in action. So, if you can't, use the resources available to you in books and online.

I'm in a new relationship, now what?

Alright, so you didn't get a chance to do the research before you found a partner to explore BDSM with. That's alright, I get it. You need a relationship sometimes before you know what you want. It won't make it easier on you, but maybe you can get some help from them? That's right, talk to him. A Dominant just might have those expectations for you.

I know what you are saying, you have to talk to your Dominant about what they expect from you instead of just reading their mind? That's crazy talk! Yeah, so set up a safe environment to talk, forget your roles for a few moments and just talk about your relationship.

  • What does it ultimately look like?
  • What does your ideal partner look like, hypothetically?
  • When they say they want you to be their submissive or slave, what does that mean to them?
  • Where will you submit? Bedroom only? In everyday life? Certain situations?

Oftentimes, the Dominant knows exactly what they want from you and can articulate that so that you understand. This is more often the case with Dominants who have had some practice or are very confident in their role. Asking them questions about what they expect from you will not phase them and they will be happy to answer your questions. You should never feel dumb or useless for your questions and should be encouraged to keep the lines of communication open no matter what's going on.

A Dominant who knows what they want will be able to say things like, "I want you to be polite in public, use please and thank you with customer service flair. I expect you to dress nicely at all times and under no circumstances will you wear underwear without my permission." In this example, you have a chance to have things clarified, ask questions or even re-iterate his desires so that he knows you understand them.

If you have a newer Dominant or someone who was vanilla but you are on a road together to embrace your kinky natures, then they may truly not know what they want from you. In this situation communication is your best tool. Sit down with them and just talk about what being a Dominant or submissive attracts them and build from there. Start small. It could be as simple as having one rule at a time and adding to it when you are comfortable with the previous one. Don't overwhelm yourself or you'll feel like you aren't cut out for D/s when in fact you could be just feeling like you jumped into the deep end with no safety net. Get back to the shallow end of the kink pool. Walk slowly and confidently to the deeper sections when you are ready.

No one expects you to be perfect from the start. No new Dominant is going to know what they want at the onset of a relationship. Have patience with yourself and with your partner.

Are there general expectations?

Well, sure I guess. Be human, be polite and respectful, obey the golden rule, be nice to your friends and family and if you have religious beliefs adhere to those too. Basically don't be a douchebag person. You want to be a submissive that a Dominant is proud to call theirs. Be an example of that.

So when you ask yourself what's expected of me I hope you have some direction now. It's not as complicated as you make it out, and often it is that case of wanting to do it all at once and not tiptoe lightly into things. It's okay. I've been there. Slow and steady, asking questions really is the best, most self-aware way to become the submissive you wish to be for your partner.