This is a guest post by kaya of Underhishand.com.
When I used to say "Oh I want someone who can push me... who doesn't stop when I say stop... who does what they want and aren't guided by MY reactions", I can honestly say that I never believed such a person existed. I could say that and feel extreme and be edgy and all the while thinking in the back of my head, "of course anyone would stop when I cry or when I say "stop" and really mean it!" Nobody is strong enough or self-confident enough to REALLY push that envelope.
Except You. You surprise me with your callousness. You shock me with your sadism. Continuously. And every single time I'm taken over like it was the first time. I lack the tools, both mental and emotional, to deal with this. You aren't swayed by anything. You aren't deterred by anything. There seems to be no limit, no depth to Your meanness.
Crying begging wailing mess of flesh that I am affects you in no way at all. No noticeable way to me. I am doing my goddamnedest to disgust you... to irritate you... to MAKE you back off and put me back in some semblance of control...and You won't. You don't budge. You blow off every little pathetic curveball I throw at you.
That knowledge is a huge fucking scary bite to swallow. The road ahead....the one that I mistakenly thought I would lead YOU on.... I fight the urge to piss myself when I try to imagine at this point, where you CAN and WILL take this. It's pure fear.
That's only one side of the fear equation.
I keep questioning if you know what you are doing. And that encompasses so many things. How you are affecting me, my thought process, my reactions to everyday stimuli, my emotional and mental well-being. As we get deeper and deeper into this.. and the way back gets harder for me to hang onto, the more insecure I get. I do not, cannot accept that you will want what you are creating. I can see myself turning into a pile of mush. That's what you want? Obedience and availability? Is that all? You are systematically knocking down my walls... and whats going to be left doesn't look very pretty to me. I just need to know that you are aware of this. That you've thought it through. Because what happens when we get to the end.....and you don't like it....and I can't come back?
Being left scares me. Not just being left alone... but I'll be left broken. And by that point, I'll have looked to you for every single aspect of my existence and if you leave me then... I'll die. Very simply.
The worst might be the despair....... you get to a place inside yourself where I cannot please you. No matter what I do. Even when I sink into "Idiot Mode" (you called it)........ that yes sir no sir and nothing else... I am not pleasing you. I know that I can't. I know that I won't. It's despair. It's defeat. It's ......I give up.... it's just trying to hold on until the end because it sure as fuck isn't going to get any better. I don't know what triggers that in you. I don't know if I can avoid it or not. It doesn't seem like it.
I used to dislike those times.
Now those times.. those pushes are the ones that I find myself craving the most. Being consumed with utter hopelessness.. of knowing, believing, breathing how completely unable I will be to satisfy the beast in You... watching as it overwhelms You, and bleeds over onto me. And I'll take it. Blow by blow, word for word, tear by tear.. knowing that You won't be sated. My efforts will be in vain. My sobbing, begging, pleading desires to please You will go unanswered, unrealized.
It's a fascinating process to watch You lose Yourself to Your own sadism. And when I can process the pain and the emotions far enough to be capable of coherent thought again, and see You.. inside of You.. and watch how You leash it and control it and give it to me in doses that I can handle, doses that feel huge and unbearable and heavy to me but in comparison to the whole that You are holding, I'm being fed baby bites of You. And I'm left hungering for more.
I may never be able to carry the whole of Your sadistic desires. I may never be strong enough. But I think each time I take a bigger bite... and each time I hold a little more fear... and each time I swallow a little more pain... close my eyes and live it, letting it take over me so You can breathe a little easier.
I can see the strain on Your face, hear it in Your voice. I feel the need inside of You. It carries over to me... caresses my skin... I know it's coming. You'll need me, you'll need my screams and my tears, you'll need to make room. And fear races up my spine, goosebumps following close behind, my nipples harden, my cunt clenches and drips.. because right on the heels of the fear is desire and need and purpose. My purpose. My goal. My meaning.
To hold the hand of Your beast.
So many emotions swamping me with the thought of you coming home. Fear is the biggest. Fear of the pain, of not being able to handle the pain, of not being allowed to relieve You of that burden in the small way that I can. Fearing you'll give me too much since it's been so long.
Mostly though.. fearing that You *won't*. That time and opportunity won't allow such a heavy session and You'll return to work still heavy with Your burden and I'll be left here, needy and swallowing my fear until the next time.
I hope I always fear You. I hope You always keep me one step away from being comfortable and complacent. I hope my fear forever remains one of my strongest driving forces for trying my hardest to please You. I hope You keep Your saddled beast just under the surface, where it's easy to give me a bite and make me scream.
I live in fear. And it's amazing.
My name is kaya. I’ve been a consensual BDSM slave to my Owner since 2004. I’m a house
wifecunt, a servant of both the domestic and sexual variety. Both my daily and long-term goal consists of one thing: Please my Owner. Exactly how to please him changes depending on his desires at the time. Some days I succeed; some days I do not. You can follow kaya's life at Underhishand.com.