There are probably two very sensitive and deeply moving confessions that a slave could make – admitting to being territorial and/or jealous. These demons are a complete terror and have visited many relationships since the beginning of time. In order to move about freely and enjoy the fruits of a healthy M/s relationship, they need to be exorcised or else they will continue to wreak havoc in the lives of all involved – but primarily in the life of the one who experiences territoriality/jealousy. Even now, as I type this, the ways the words roll around in my mind have a bit of ‘ugliness’ in how they are ‘heard’ internally. There’s nothing cute at all in being a territorial/jealous slave. That’s a fact. Yet, so many suffer from this affliction – sounds dramatic, but truly it’s definitely fitting.

Personally, it never occurred to me that either territoriality/jealousy was in me or the depth of either until faced with being in a position that brought it all to the surface. Being that transparency is such a huge part of the slave journey, it had to be dealt with (though there were many attempts to fix it on my own). Sure, before facing my own little possessive demon, I had witnessed other slaves expressing their own degrees of territoriality and at times felt empathy – what did I really know, I wasn't owned and still held some vanilla ways of thinking about M/s (gasp and clutch the pearls!). Slaves not wanting other women to ever serve their Masters; not wanting their Masters to play with other people; not wanting anyone to even be attracted to their Master – these types of slaves exist and speak these ideas with a definitive stance of rightness that this should be applicable to all slaves. And the deepest has been those that demand that any other slave/sub interested in playing with or serving their Master must first ask the owned slave for permission. Before any panties are gathered in a bunch, let me say this – if that’s how you and your Master roll, so be it, this just doesn't and won’t work for me.

If we peel back the layers to find the root of what makes a slave territorial, what we end up discovering is an insecure person (sometimes extremely so). Ouch! But, yes, it’s just that basic. Insecurity can bring out some truly ugly stuff in any person, but because of the slave’s position (slave), insecurity makes the slave foul and unpleasant not only to the Master but those that come in contact with them. Displays of territoriality/jealousy will always reflect on the Master poorly for any number of reasons – but because the slave is caught up in the throes of insecurity and is acting out without any rational thinking, at that very moment at least, she’s not concerned about any of this. So, where is the M/s in any of this? Nowhere…

Now that we understand that insecurity is at the root of a slave being territorial/jealous, let’s look at a few ways to confront and exorcise it. Here’s a short list of things to keep in mind and actions that can be taken:

• Know who you are in the relationship with your Master – if a slave doesn’t truly know and understand her place in the M/s relationship, she’ll always be insecure; she’ll always feel threatened; she’ll always lack a significant amount of trust that needs to be invested in her relationship; she’ll also continue to hold back the best of herself, those parts that attracted her Master to her in the first place.
• Seek professional help – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking a counselor to work out emotional insecurities deeply rooted in past traumas.
• Find victory in letting go – sometimes the first or best step in confronting territoriality/jealousy is finding a victory in just letting go and giving into a moment of compersion – and then another, and another, and just keep going! What would happen if instead of playing watchdog, the slave decided to enjoy her Master’s joy in mixing and mingling or knowing her Master is the bee’s knees – yet he chose her; he chose her to share deeper parts of himself with, he chose her to reveal far more of himself too, he chose to collar her, and he desires to keep her.
• Decide to be different – making a decision opens up the door to be different
• Lean on your faith/spirituality – prayer definitely helps
• Include your Master ­– a slave doesn’t have to go about her transformation alone. He’s the object of the territoriality/jealousy, but that doesn’t mean he should be excluded from supporting her efforts. Remember, this is his choice (the slave), so he’s going to be the biggest supporter.
• Focus on obedience – when a slave’s eyes are focused on remaining obedient to her Master, this alone helps to override moments of falling into the pit of emotionalism. Obedience is probably often overlooked as a viable form of ‘emotion control’. What would happen if instead of giving into a tempestuous fit and speculative thinking, the slave would focus on the directives given by her Master?

Now, there may be many instances when a slave feels neglected, overlooked, and not chosen, especially in a poly dynamic. Again, the first line is to talk to the Master. If the matter isn’t resolved both by internal and external means (processing, communication, etc.), the slave has the responsibility to decide if it’s the right relationship dynamic or Master for her. Who wants to spend the entirety of a relationship bogged down by an unhealthy perspective of not only the relationship but the Master’s treatment?

Brennan Manning said, “In every encounter we either give life or we drain it; there is no neutral exchange.” Constantly or regularly dealing with the effects of ‘the crazies’ that being insecure brings out of a slave is ‘life draining’ to all involved, and this is something that’s important to remember. The bottom line is – the slave’s preference should be to give life to her Owner rather than disrupt His peace only to drain Him.

Lots of love, blyss