Hello, I have a question. I'm having a hard time getting past just being angry when my Dom punishes me. Specifically corporal punishment. I understand what I do wrong but it is so hard to just lay there and take it as they say. I don't want to start a conflict with Sir, I just don't know what to-do to get into the correct mindset. I want to be a good sub and please Sir but I just get so angry when punished.
Hello dear reader!
Let me just say this is not uncommon at all. In fact, I'd venture to say nobody likes to be punished.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a bundle of submissives like to get spanked. And paddled. And whipped. ((shiver)) There is an important distinction here though. Those things are sexy and fun and should be reward for masochistic submissives that really enjoy processing pain.
But we don't like being punished. Punishment is for when you make mistakes and mistakes are really hard to swallow. They are hard to own up to, they are hard to pay penance for, and sting. Quite often literally. For many people "corporal punishment" would not be an effective punishment because we enjoy these things. So let's dig into some questions and suggestions to help you out.
You are getting angry at being punished. Why?? What is the root of this anger?
1. Is it because you are really disappointed in your own self for misbehaving? Was there a rule that you knew that was in place and you are pissed that you didn't have the self-control to not follow it? If this is the issue, you know how to handle this sore-ness that has nothing to do with corporal punishment: try your very best to do better next time, or if it is a rule that isn't acceptable to you or working anymore, have a calm and respectful discussion about it with your Dominant. Rules can change (and should over time as you evolve and adapt to living D/s in the world) but so long as you've agreed to live by that rule, you can't really get too salty about being punished for breaking one. We all make mistakes. In our home, we like to make "better mistakes tomorrow." Pay you the penance and move on with a fresh slate.
2. Are you getting angry about punishment because you're being punished for something that you didn't know you could be punished for? If so, that's a justifiable reason and the change in this needs to come from the Dominant, not necessarily from you as a submissive. It doesn't make a lot of sense to punish for a crime you didn't know you were committing. It makes you gun-shy to try and do anything because you never know what will get you into trouble. I'd suggest clearly spelling out what is expected of you and what the punishments could be for breaking those rules. It can be a simple list drafted in a word document or an elaborate contract, but by having rules in place, both the Dominant and submissive are in the same place.
3. Are you angry just because? Maybe because there is somebody corporally punishing you? Well, that makes sense. Your body has a natural fight or flight response. Your body does want to react when somebody is paddling/spanking/caning you. A piece of you will want to run away and hide and a piece of you will bristle up, get mad, and want to fight back. It takes actual effort, control, and restraint to simply lay back and be punished. This is something that improves over time and experience, so long as the above two issues are properly addressed.
Remember: Not every dynamic has to be a punishment dynamic and not every punishment has to be corporal punishment. As my Master has matured in his Dominance and Sadistic tendencies, punishment is almost never physical anymore. It is always a mentally or emotionally driven lesson being taught; a means to re-train me and remind me in the future to make better mistakes tomorrow. The key is to understand your reaction to punishment and discern if it is a natural response that is making you uncomfortable if it is an issue for you to address about your disappointment in failing yourself and your partner, or finally, a misstep in explaining expectations from your Dominant. Having this understand and adjusting your course accordingly should help lessen your discomfort over time.