“She was afraid, however, that she hadn’t pleased him. She searched her mind for faults. She had obeyed all his commands, and he understood how difficult it was for her. He knew completely what it meant for her to be stripped naked and revealed to everyone, to be helpless and made public and that this surrender of which he spoke could come in acts and gestures long before it could come from her mind. But no matter how hard she tried to excuse herself, she could not help but wonder if she could have tried harder”
This is one of my favorite quotes from “The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty”. One of the reasons why I love it so much is because this is a conversation I believe every submissive and slave has had with themselves more than once. I think it usually always happens a lot in the beginning of a new relationship where you feel that everything you do is being watched under a microscope and every action you perform, you think of a million and one ways that you could have performed the task better or completed it faster. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier the longer you’re in the relationship with your partner, but in all honesty, this is something that never quite goes away. The inner nagging may get quieter and may not happen as often, but it never completely goes away.
For those of you who are new and was hoping that I would have a different answer than what I gave above, I’m sorry. At one point I was hoping that I would have a different answer than what I came up with, but in the end, I have realized that maybe it’s not such a bad thing to have that inner nagging voice.
There are moments where I just don’t quite feel like doing what I’m supposed to do, especially when it comes to housework. I see the pile of dirty laundry piled up in the corner in the bedroom, I see the sink full of dirty dishes, and I can also see a bathroom that needs some attention, but I don’t feel like messing with any of it. There will be more dirty laundry to replace what’s there, the dishes will become dirty again, and so will the bathroom, so what’s the point? I’m sure many of you have had this conversation before with yourself. I *MAY* try to ignore these things. Get on my laptop and waste time on the internet, find a book to read, watch some TV and million and one other things other than what I should be doing. Now, there maybe for a small point of time where I can do these things carefree, but then it starts. That nagging voice telling me that laundry needs doing, dishes need washing, and the bathroom still needs attention. And the longer I sit there, the louder that nagging voice gets louder and louder until I can no longer ignore it. I know this is a moment that every slave and submissive has. While we may have these moments of laziness(might as well call it what it is right?), our drive and desire to please and serve our owners tend to be a bit more overwhelming than our moments of laziness. I know that my desire for Daddy to have a clean apartment to live in and to be proud of His slave is more important to me than any television show or book in the world. I think it’s a good thing to have this nagging voice because, for me at least, it helps me focus on why I have chosen to submit, why I wear my collar, why I am a slave, and why those things matter more to me than anything else.
But, there is also a downside to that little nagging voice inside your head. Sometimes, you just can’t get it to shut up no matter how hard you try. That little nagging voice tends to get mean and nasty and tell you that the job you’re doing isn’t good enough. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me and I know it’s going to constantly find it happening more in the future. There are times where I feel like the apartment isn’t clean enough and no matter how much time I spend cleaning, still won’t measure up to my satisfaction and when I’ve cooked something but didn’t exactly turn out just the way I had planned, that’s when the nagging inner voice starts to be a huge pain in the ass. Along with that nagging, I also start the never-ending danger cycle of thinking that I’m not a good enough slave and that Daddy surely can find someone better. Someone who can be more attentive, someone who’s better at cooking, that whole nine yards. When any submissive or slave find themselves in this kind of thought process, you've got to stop and remind yourself that above all, you’re human and that means you’re not perfect and another important thing to remember is that as long as you’re trying your best, that’s all your owner asks from you. Something else I have a tendency of doing when I do mess something up, I tend to hyper focus on the mistake so I'm not making it again, which means that I'm not paying as much attention to other things as I can, which means I tend to make more mistakes elsewhere and just perpetuates my downward spiral of self-loathing. But you can't do that. You have to learn from your mistakes and move on, not spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over and over again.
That inner nagging voice that never goes away can be both a good thing and a bad thing. It can help you remember your focus but it can also drive you insane if you’re not careful. Like everything else in the lifestyle, you have to work at finding a happy balance in life. And remember, my inbox is always open and I’m always happy to help if I can.