In the previous video about rules I talked about how to set up rules in an D/s or M/s relationship and the incorporating them into your relaxed or structured dynamic. Check out the previous video post if you missed it.
Today I want to talk abut after rules are selected and you are practicing them or have had them for a long time. More specifically, three challenges that come about when you are using rules in your relationship. These three are simply the more common issues, not the only ones. So, let's get to them.
Too Many Rules
There is such a thing as implementing too many rules. You could argue that I have a lot of rules and this challenge doesn't matter, but I didn't start out with as many rules as I currently have. I think my first rule list has 10 rules on it. There's some excitement to the beginning of a relationship and when you first want to establish rules it can get crazy with all the things you'd like to try by lumping them all together. The issue for submissives is to remember and then adjust to all the new rules. The issue for Dominants is remembering all the rules that are newly established so that they can be enforced. Adding rules shouldn't be hard work without payoff. If it's not enhancing your dynamic then it's not useful.
Some rules are harder to implement and remember. A good Dominant will be patient and allow the submissive to learn the rules, but won't be lax about making sure the submissive is learning the new rule. Positive reinforcement is helpful here. If you are in a discipline dynamic, the punishments during the adjustment period should be light or non-existent. After all, you probably didn't learn new habits right off the bat too. Submissives are super, but far fewer have super powers.
A good rule of thumb is to start with 3 rules. Then once those three are pretty solidly performed, you can add 3 more.
Rules Become Habit
Another difficulty of having rules in a dynamic is when they become habit. I know what you are thinking, "lunaKM, there is nothing wrong with rules becoming habits!" But I disagree and here's why. If a rule becomes a habit for the submissive, they aren't as mindful about the rule. It's also easier to slip on the rule because your mind has transitioned to it being a routine habit. It lowers it's importance. For some people, it's a good thing that a rule becomes a habit, because honestly, this whole thing is about behavior changes that stick so that you mold yourself into your most genuine self.
What I suggest, is if you notice that a rule is a habit that you remove it from the set of rules. It's still expected of the submissive and I doubt you'll stop doing something that's a habit (and if you do, add it back to rules). You could add a new rule if that's something that interests you. I enjoy getting new rules because that enlivens the dynamic for me. Both the Dominant and submissive have to be more aware during the new rule phase and it makes things more intense.
Discipline and Punishment for Rule Violations
Not all D/s relationships have punishment or discipline in them, so figuring out how to handle situations where a submissive fails to follow the rules laid out can be difficult. Often this will involve a lot of intense conversation between Dom and sub to figure out why the rule lapsed and how to get back on track. These discussions can be hard because you have to not only deduce if the lapse was intentional or caused by something exterior to the relationship (say job or emergency). Then work together to get back on track.
And even if you do have a punishment dynamic, figuring out what punishment to dole out is challenging. Many people, myself included, are masochist. Threatening to spank me for a rule violation probably wouldn't work as well as something I don't typically enjoy. Now this isn't to say that you can't give corporeal punishment to a masochist, but it has to be done just right or it won't have the impact you are hoping for. Other ideas are removing privileges, such as TV or internet time, writing lines or standing in a corner could have a better effect for someone who enjoys pain. What's best of one person may not be best for another and I've always felt that if the punishment was similar to the crime; for example if the rule was no pop without permission, then a punishment might be no pop at all for a certain amount of time. It sure would push me to remember to ask from then on.
Of course, your millage may vary and you the challenges you face when adding rules to your D/s or M/s dynamic could be different. Let me know in the comments what walls you have come upon pertaining to rules and I might do my next video post on it!