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As a new sub, I have a lot to learn, and I am just starting in my first D/s "relationship". Yes, I am 42, and it was a long journey to get here, but I've made my peace with that and am very excited about the future. I found "my" Dom on Fetlife, and we have been in constant communications for the past 4 weeks. We live close by, and we will be meeting for the 1st time on Monday evening. I am so very excited, but at the same time, I am also going into this with very open eyes. This will not be a "romantic relationship". We have agreed on that, and I feel a sense of relief that it will "only" be physical. However, I also know myself very well, and know that my emotions/feelings will at some point get tangled up in the my training. Do you think it is wise to approach it like that, or am I just fooling myself? Do you have any advice on how I can remain focused in this kind of arrangement? I need to serve, but with no experience, I need training, and I need someone who is willing to do that training with me.

Any insights you can share is always welcome and greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Judi

Hi Judi,

I've got 2 things I'd like to talk about in response to your question. First, about the non-romantic relationship.

I'm glad to hear you've done some soul-searching about what type of relationship you are okay with and that the two of you are on the same page. Non-romantic relationships exist, as I'm sure you know. Most vanilla people call them fuck buddies or friends with benefits. While the number of people who have casual relationships is unknown to me, I have known people to do just fine with that sort of set up. There often isn't much of an expectation of dating or commitment at all. It's great that you'll be okay with this set up and that you know the precariousness of emotions that can come in to play.

Now you say in your message that you know your feelings will get involved at some point and that's natural. It's hard to have a relationship where no emotions happen. What will hopefully help you is that reminder that you've both already decided that nothing will come out of this relationship more than the casual play that you've agreed to. Letting yourself think that there could be more to it will only cause you more frustration. Now, this doesn't mean nothing will happen. You could both agree to change your relationship in the future, but as long as you keep things on the same page and know that emotions are unnecessary it will help keep your head on right.

Whether it's wise or not is a personal decision. Only you can really know if you can keep things separate from your emotions. Make sure that if you feel your emotions getting in the way to talk to your partner and see if you can back it up a bit, or take a break. Anything to reset your focus and reassert that you both still only want a non-romantic relationship would be recommended. At no time should you feel obligated to continue the relationship if you feel that you'd like to have a relationship with romance or more involved. Our needs always change and evolve.

Next, the idea of training. The word and concept of training in BDSM is fuzzy to say the least. It's tossed around like novices have to have it to enter the lifestyle, when that's just not true. What do you need to learn from him that you can't learn from someone who is romantically invested in you? You don't really NEED training to take a spanking, or have D/s sex or follow someone's rules and preferences. Now, if what you really mean is that you want experience new things and enjoy casual play, then do that. But training indicates a committed relationship where you learn and explore how to serve each other's needs to the best of your ability. Learning how they want their coffee prepared, what manner of dress they prefer you in, the positions you hold when accepting punishment and the like, for example is going to be different for each person. So general training isn't going to do you any good.

Of course you could use the training word to simply mean to dip your toes and try your hand at submitting. In that case the above can still apply as long as you keep in mind that every relationship you have will be different and completely new.