With kids, it’s inevitable that they’re going to ask questions that make you want to curl up into a ball, cover your ears, and sing, “La-la-la, I can’t hear you!” This isn’t a kink thing, it’s a parent thing.

However, as a kinkster, there’s a chance that, eventually, they’ll see or hear something and ask you about it.

Don’t panic! You can do this. You’ve answered questions about poop, penises, and what those ducks were doing to one another in the park (or was that just me?). You’ve got this.

Be Proactive

I do not mean that you should bring out your flogger and explain to a five-year-old what it is. Instead, be open about sex (in general) and about accepting people who are different than we are. Remember, as kinksters, we’re on the fringe of what society deems appropriate. If you teach your children to accept differences in general, it’ll be easier for them accept sexual differences in you or other people when they’re old enough to understand.

Talking about sex with your kids before they ask is also something I recommend. Of course, as parents, we have to do what we think is right, and we should be age-appropriate in our conversations. Waiting until after you’re caught tied up to the bed with your Dominant partner coming on your face probably isn’t the time to explain that parents do grown-up things with each other, and when your child is much (much, much, much) older, they can do grown-up things, too.

I had a sex talk with my oldest when he was nine. He wanted to know how babies were made. We talked in general terms. I also made it clear that he could ask me anything. Which is how I found myself explaining porn a year later. The extra challenge was that his younger brother was around so I had to make it age appropriate for him and understandable for my oldest. Fun times.

Be Age-Appropriate

Telling my (now) seven year old that parents make babies is different than explaining to an 11-year-old about sperm and eggs. If you get a question about kink as in, “What is that leather thing in your closet?” try hard not to freak out. Tell your kids or don’t, that’s certainly a personal preference. Since my oldest doesn’t even want me to say the word “sex” to him, I can tell him that it’s something grown-ups use, and when he’s older (much, much, much older), we can talk about it. He knows “what grown-ups do” is code for sex, and he doesn’t really want to know more.

However, if my youngest asks what something is, I say, “It’s Mom’s” and leave it at that. Of course, I also make a mental note to hide the toys better or notice when they’ve gone into my bedroom.

Lie or Refuse to Answer But Don’t Freak Out

My oldest once heard me getting a spanking. I don’t have an age-appropriate way to explain spankings (if you do, please share) so we lied through our teeth and said we were clapping. Parents lie all the time, and I don’t feel bad about it. Depending on the age of your child, when they ask, or what they found, you don’t have to tell them anything.

To me, it’s more important not to freak out on them and make them feel bad for being curious or asking. We’re parents, most of us have said a few times, “Because I said so” or “Because I’m an adult and you’re a kid.” Some of the awkward questions they ask aren’t things they need to know, especially if it’s directly related to D/s and kink. We protect (or try to) minors from kink in the online world all the time. This isn’t much different.

My go-to answer is always, “It’s grown-up stuff” or “It’s not for kids.” My kids accept those answers, for now. I feel like it’s okay to do because I’m already proactively talking to them about sex in more general ways. As they get older, if they’re curious and they’re willing to talk to me about it, I may give them more details but that will depend on their maturity level at the time.

Ultimately, as parents, we have to do what feels right for our children, our families, and let’s be honest, our own sanity. I think we do a disservice to the future sexual health of our kids if we refuse to talk about anything with them, but I don’t think they need to know the details of kinky sex or BDSM until they’re older. When you get that first question or two, you might find it hard to talk about, but with practice and time, it becomes easier. I blushed when I explained the mechanics of sex to my oldest, but when I described menstruation (and why he should be nice to girls about it), it was an easier conversation to have - at least, it was easier for me.