When someone asks me how it’s possible to be kinky when you have kids, I know they’re imagining that it must be difficult to have a scene, enjoy kinky sex, or do anything remotely kinky as a parent. It’s not impossible to get kinky, but it requires creativity and discipline. It also depends on how badly you want your kinky fun, too.

Over the past few years, I’ve found certain things help me feel submissive, enjoy kinky sex, and even have BDSM scenes as a parent.

Setting a Routine

Long before I discovered my submissive side, I learned the importance of having a routine for my kids, especially a set bedtime every night. Without it, they didn’t get enough sleep, behaved badly, and generally ran wild during the day. This Mama couldn’t handle all of that, and a bedtime was born. After I divorced their father, I realized that it wasn’t just good for them, it was good for me, too. Those hours after they went to bed were moments I could spend doing non-Mom things, like learning about BDSM.

These days, in my own D/s relationship, I’m grateful that my kids go to bed and (mostly) fall asleep right away because that’s the routine they’re used to. Once they’re in bed, I can call him “Daddy,” we can talk about kink or sex, and when we’re ready to settle down for the night, we can get as kinky as time, space, and exhaustion allow.

If your kids don’t have an established bedtime but you want them to, be patient. The transition isn’t going to be easy, and they’ll let you know how angry they are about it. My oldest was five before we got him on a good bedtime, and it took three weeks. Three very long weeks. You have to do what feels right as a parent, but personally, I’m a big believer in a set bedtime every night.

Learning How to Play Quietly

Okay, so your kids are in bed, but you’re a screamer. How does that work? I’m a screamer, too, so I get it. Plus, spankings, paddles, and floggers are noisy. Throw in a giant vibrator, and it might sound like there’s an orgy going on in your bedroom. If your kids aren’t sound sleepers, your walls are thin, or you’re kids’ rooms are next to yours, this is definitely a problem.

Over the years, I’ve learned how to be quieter when we get kinky. He made it a game one time. One day we were getting kinky while the windows were wide open, and although music covered some of the sounds, my screams are pretty shrill. The challenge was to enjoy the kink without screaming. When I succeeded, I was rewarded with an orgasm (yummy!). It’s not easy, but like other skills, you can do it with patience and practice.

There are all kinds of methods for muting the noise. Try a ball gag or covering your mouth to stifle the sounds. Try out different types of toys and use the quietest ones when your kids are in the house. You may have to modify how you play when there’s a chance you’ll be heard, but it can still be fun and sexy.

Playing Away from Home

Playing at a party or a local BDSM club isn’t always an option, so the alternative for this one is to play at home while the kids are at school or a friend’s house. My personal favorite is when they’re with their grandparents during the summer. Either way, find time and space to play when you’re not worried about being heard (or caught).

Think about the amount of time you have and plan for that. Whether we have two hours at home or we’re kid-free for the evening at the club, we maximize our time for the most fun. We do the things we can’t do otherwise - bring out the big paddle, turn on the big vibrator, play until I cry or scream (or both). We know this has to last us until the next time we’re kid-free so we fit as much kink in as possible.

It’s often easier to play at home than it is to go somewhere else. Both John Brownstone and I have taken a personal day to get some much needed kinky playtime. If you can afford it, call in sick on the same day and don’t leave your house until it’s time to pick up the kids from school. You’ll have fun and probably find you’re more connected and energized with each other, too.

Kinky Things that Don’t Look Kinky

Another good way to be kinky when the kids are around is to do things that don’t look kinky to anyone. These are the tasks and rules that you follow as a submissive that please your Dominant. They can be anything. If working out or cleaning pleases your Dominant, that counts. If picking out your Dominant’s work clothes is what they want, that counts. Remember why you’re doing your tasks, and that will help you feel submissive.

Your children don’t have to know why you’re doing things for your Dominant. Most of the time, they’ll only ask if it’s a dramatic departure from your normal routine. And if they do ask, tell them that you’re helping your partner or that you like to make them happy. Those are things that they can understand without asking too many awkward questions.

Finding tasks that help you feel submissive is good for getting your kink on and for helping you transition from parent to submissive throughout the day. Sit down with your Dominant and go over the tasks you already have to make sure they work for both of you. You may also want to ask about new tasks that you can take on, if you have time and can handle more responsibility. You don’t have to wait until your kids grow up and move out of your house to get kinky. You just have to be creative about it. Think about it, vanilla parents have sex with their kids in the house (well, sometimes they do). You can too. Plan for your scenes, play as best as you can when they’re at home with you, and remember all the other kinky but not sexual things you do during the day.