Ask a new parent, kinky or not, about their sex life, and they’ll probably say, “What sex life?” When you’re only getting a couple hours of sleep at a time or feeding a baby around the clock, sex is usually the last thing on your mind. While D/s relationships tend to have more communication about sex than a vanilla relationship, parenting is the same no matter what flavor your relationship is.

That means, like a non-kinky relationship, your desire for and ability to have sex will change through the different stages of parenting. Don’t worry or freak out. Realize this is normal, and if you’re determined to enjoy as much kink as possible, get creative and be patient with yourself and your partner. This parenting thing makes sex tough sometimes.

Pregnancy

I’ve never been pregnant as a submissive so I can’t tell you exactly how to be kinky when you’re growing a baby. People ask me about it, though. Here’s what I say:

• Be careful and talk to your doctor. There are kink-friendly doctors out there, though they are hard to find. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) has a great resource you can use. Even if yours isn’t, ask what kinds of things you should avoid while you’re pregnant. Yes, this may mean you tell them you like rough sex and kinky stuff.
• Unless a doctor tells you otherwise, I’d refrain from impact play unless you’re very familiar with anatomy as a doctor, physical therapist, nurse, etc, and know what you can and can’t do.
• Consider modifying your tasks during pregnancy. Growing life in your body is exhausting so keeping up with a bunch of tasks is harder to do.
• Don’t feel bad if you can’t kneel when you’re pregnant. At a certain point, you can’t see your feet anymore. I can’t imagine getting down on the floor and then getting back up again.
• Communicate with your Dominant about how you feel emotionally, mentally, and physically. What you need to help you feel calm and centered will be different from submissive to submissive (and trimester to trimester), but talk to your partner to find what works for you.
• Have sex, as long as you and the baby are healthy, while you can. It might not be the wild, crazy, rough sex of your pre-pregnancy days, but believe me, when that baby comes, sex will be rare for a while. Enjoy it while you can.

Babies and Toddlers

Once you’ve popped out a baby and waited until your doctor tells you can have sex again, now you’re dealing with anfanty and, later, a toddler. To a certain extent, it’s a little easier to get kinky with an infant around because they stay where you put them (at least for a while), so if you’re feeling up for it, you can get a little bit of kink on while the baby naps. Of course, that’s also when you try to take a shower, wash a few dishes, and do some laundry. I get it, finding time for sex is hard with a new baby whether you’re kinky or not.

The laundry and dishes will still be there when the baby wakes up. My personal recommendation is to get as much kinky fun in when you can while you can. Even a ten minute spanking or a quick fuck with hair pulling is good. You’ll be more relaxed and better able to handle the crying, eating, pooping machine you’ve brought into your life.

If you decide to co-sleep or once your toddler realizes they like your bed better than their own, having kinky fun is more of a challenge. Don’t feel discouraged if you find it hard to fit in and find time for. This stage of life doesn’t last forever - I promise! Keep the lines of communication open with your Dominant and find other non-sexual things you can do that will help you feel submissive.

Older Kids

We’ll call this from about age five and up. For the most part, barring health issues and other things that can happen with our kids, this is a good time. They sleep through the night and need you a little less. If you’ve got them on a good bedtime routine, you might get a couple of hours to yourself before you pass out from exhaustion. Your kink can increase by this stage, unless of course, you’ve still got a baby or a toddler on your hip.

This stage is when I discovered kink and re-discovered my sexual self, so when I say it’s doable, this time I’m talking from pure experience as a kinkster (not just a mom). You still have to be creative with your time and what you do, but you have a lot more time for sex and fun now than you did before. Take advantage of it! Get the babysitter, call a grandparent, something, and get kid-free time so you can really get kinky. (Note: you can do this when they’re babies and toddlers, too, but I know a lot of us are too tired at that stage.)

Teenagers

I have a tween so I’m not to this point yet, but I have kinky friends with teenagers and kids going off to college. What they tell me is that they have a lot more time for their kink now than they did before because their kids have their own social life and are rarely home. However, don’t get too comfortable because this is the age when my friend’s kids caught them. They didn’t see anything explicit, but they saw sex toys and other kinky items. Now it’s kind of the family joke for them, but it’s still something to you’ll want to consider.

You have a lot more freedom, but, depending on your kids, you may also get more complicated questions than you used to. Another kinky friend of mine has good relationships with both of her sons, and one felt comfortable telling her he was Dominant in his early 20s. Of course, he also tries to Dom her, but she’s always Mom so he doesn’t get away with it.

No matter where you are in life as a parent, you can have your kinky life, too. What you have to remember is that it will ebb and flow with the currents of your parenting responsibilities. Don’t feel bad if you feel less submissive or have less kinky sex when you’re pregnant or raising babies. Try to find things that keep you in touch with your submissive self during those times, and remember that your kids won’t be little forever.

At each stage of your parenting life, if you’re creative and patient, you can find ways to be your kinky self. One day, you’ll be able to walk around in nothing but a collar and be a kinky freak all day long because your kids have (finally) moved out. At least, that’s what I tell myself.