I've met a man on- line who says I'm a sub and wants me to be a sub. He sends me info to read, but everyone has a different point of view. I have a job I enjoy and my kids are grown. I don't mind being controlled in the bedroom.....I like making my own choices. He has me doing things over the phone (Skype) that I enjoy, but I never see him. It would be easier if I knew exactly what he wanted. But all he tells me is to do my research. I have no clue what I'm doing and if I don't word it right he gets upset. I don't know what to do? How do submit yourself to someone you've never been with??

Hi there,

Playing online can be fun and it seems you are enjoying your exchanges with this man. But as with many online relationships, they are not as clear since you don't get any nonverbal cues to a conversation as you would in a face to face relationship.  I'm going to try to cover your concerns as best as I can.

At first read, I wanted to tell you this guy isn't a Dominant. It sounds more like he wants to just get his enjoyment of you and then move on. I get that indication from him not telling you what he wants and instead telling you to go read and research. This isn't like a one-way lifestyle. You've seen that in your reading. Everyone has a different opinion and a different way to answer the questions that they have. Even here on this site, you'll find different opinions on the same topic. If he can't tell you what he expects of you then he's not really sure of himself, or he's inexperienced, or as I said above, he's not a Dominant; he just plays one on Skype.

What do you do? You confront him and ask him for better communication, for clearer directions and to stop telling you to research it instead of getting the answer straight from him. This will be a test of sorts too if he's interested in being Dominant at all then he'll learn to communicate better and give you what you need, but if he's just a bossy dick then he'll likely run for the hills.

If you choose to continue to explore submission online, you'll encounter false Dominants a lot unfortunately. Submitting without face to face interaction is taxing for many and they choose to leave that behind for the physical relationships soon enough. When I was exploring online I got to a point that it just wasn't enough anymore and started going out on dates and going to BDSM groups. It changed my world. If that's possible for you too, you might want to consider looking for a group in your area.

Good luck, and I hope this guy learns how to be a Dominant for you and you get the direction you desire.