In the previous post about Wants and Needs we began to understand the importance of Needs for ourselves and our relationship. If you would like to go back and read The Importance of Needs to review, please do so.
In this post, I'd like to talk about how to express your wants and needs with yourself and with the one you serve. Once you have your list worked out and are satisfied with how important it is for you to have these needs met, it's time to express them. Not only will it keep your submissive transparent, but it will provide you with information on your partner's wants and needs. Needs lists are not negotiable. You shouldn't settle and you should never have someone convince you that your needs aren't important. If you think that, go back and read the previous post.
When To Speak Up
Your needs are one of the most important facets of your happiness that should be fulfilled in order to continue to be happy. Everyone has periods in time where their needs may not be met for a short time, but for life-long happiness, we know that they should be met with more consistency. Admitting this to yourself is the first step to that fulfillment.
Try this exercise:
In the next few moments, take a look at your list of needs. Read each of them aloud, "I need _____ to be fulfilled." How does it resonate with you? How does it rank when compared to the entire list? Should you organize them according to importance? Perhaps you have some on there that you now see could be wants instead, feel free to move them to the other list.
Now do the same thing with your wants. Read each of them aloud, "I want _____ to be happy." How do these feel? Are you self-serving, materialistic or impossible to achieve? You might want to remove them from the list. There also may be ones that you will want to move back to the needs list. That's fine.
In a relationship, it is important to let the other person know what you expect as far as needs early on. You owe to your possible future happiness that the two (or more) of you are on the same page. This way you have less likelihood of arguments based on needs not being met, you have a lower chance of unhappiness and failure of the relationship.
Plan to let your needs be known within the first few weeks of a blossoming relationship. You wouldn't want someone to spend a lot of time with you if you have children on your needs list, but they have no intention of having any.
Having The Talk
This conversation can be serious in nature, but it can also be casual and relaxed. As I've said earlier, letting partners know our needs should be done relatively early on in the relationship so that compatibility can be established. You should try to make it a general conversation because just talking from a list is more like an interview than getting to know someone.
Examples of how to start the talk:
- I really love how you make me feel _____. I really need that from you.
- What's your idea of the perfect relationship? I'll share mine if you share yours.
- My dream home will have _____ in it, what do you think?
- How important is _____ to you?
How do you share your wants and needs with your partner? Share your thoughts in the comments!