In the last month or so I have begun to seek a mentor and have been approached about being a mentor myself, a position which I accepted. As these events unfolded, I experienced a lot of flak from the online community – why would a submissive need a mentor if she already has a Dom?

To me the answer was obvious – but apparently the jury was still out when it came to these other people online.

To me there is a distinct difference between what I provide as a mentor (and expect from a mentor) and what my Dominant provides. This does not mean that my Chief is in any way lacking. I just expect different things from the two.

Chief is able to give me a safe place to submit, a loving relationship, guidance and structure in my life, and a fun play and sex life. This is what I expect from a Dominant. As a mentor, I am able to help people learn about different types of BDSM relationships, give insight into my own relationship, make suggestions about things that my mentee can do to improve their submission, and help them through a lot of the challenges that come with entering into the lifestyle. I do not make rules for them, but I can suggest new ways of looking at a situation. I can direct them to research certain things, and provide precautions about particular play activities. I am basically an interactive version of SubmissiveGuide!

Many people online said that they mentored submissives by beating them or causing them non-consensual pain until they were “broken in”. I received one particularly disturbing message of an elderly man offering to mentor me by “Raping me until I learned how to properly submit.” This is not mentoring, this is abuse.

That being said, even outside of abuse, when seeking a mentor it is important you are clear with what you want. Some submissives do go to more trained couples as an aspect of their training, to learn ropes, bondage, how to accept a spanking better. Some submissives, especially those who are unowned, seek someone to be regimented and give them assignments so they can better hone in on their assignments. There is a never-ending list of possibilities. But you need to know what you want


you seek someone out.

I made the following printable chart which you can fill out and send to potential mentoring candidates to ensure clarity on both ends.

  Google Document available for download and printing



                        BDSM Identity: Sub   Dom  Switch Other

Status: Owned           Owned & Collared    In a Relationship       In-Training    Unowned

Dominants Name (if applicable):



I am seeking a mentor: Online         In-Person       Combination of the Two

Hard Limits:


Soft Limits:


The following chart is based on the following ranking system: 0 – not seeking, 1 – might be interested, 2 – interested in, 3 – require this

There are empty spaces at the bottom to fill in other needs you have.

Activity Ranking Notes
Physical Punishment Training (In-Person)    
Physical Punishment Training (Online)    
Written Assignments    
Household Training (tips for cooking, cleaning,  etc)    
Physical Fetish Training    
Mental Fetish Training    
General Education Training    
Ropes/Bondage Training    
Assistance in Finding a Dom    
Communication Training    
Physical Shape Assistance    
Skill Assistance (Erotic Dance, Dirty Talk, etc)    
Overcoming Limits (Discussion Based)    
Overcoming Limits (Physically Based)    
Providing an Outside Perspective    
Recommendation of Readings/Articles    
General Discussions    
Learning New Fetishes    
Goren Positions    
Transition Instruction Sub to Slave    
Transition Instruction Vanilla to Sub