The other day in a submissive’s group I’m in on Facebook, a member made a post about something her dominant wanted her to do, yet she was absolutely 100% against doing and was looking for help on how to get past her unwillingness. There were several comments and there was one in particular that caught my attention. The commenter had said that submission is a gift and that gift can be given or taken away at any time, especially when it comes to something you don’t want to do. That comment ruffled my feathers a bit. I gave the original poster my advice and my two cents about submission, which I’ll get to in a minute. Then later on my Facebook feed, I saw a picture that said “I don’t wannna isn’t a safeword” and things started clicking.

First off, I don’t buy into the school of thought that submission is a gift. I don’t have any problems with anyone who does. Submission is a highly personalized thing. I believe that you will never find two people who submit exactly the same way.

What got me about this comment is taking away your gift of submission when it comes to having to do something you don’t like. Typically, when you give someone a gift, you don’t take it back because you don’t like what the person is doing with it. I know what you’re thinking. ‘But Tequila, submission isn’t like giving a sweater or a DVD and it’s not fair to compare submission to a sweat or a DVD. Maybe it’s not, but a gift is a gift.

Submission isn’t easy. Submission isn’t about what you want to do. There are going to be times where submitting is going to make you want to stomp your feet and say no and question yourself and even your motivation for submitting. I’ve been there numerous times myself. I’ve been given orders by Daddy that I don’t want to follow and find myself struggling against what I want versus what He has decreed. Even when I didn’t agree with what He said, never once did I ever think of safewording. Just because you don’t want to, in my opinion, is not a valid reason to safeword. A safeword is there for your safety, not your convenience. If you use your safeword for your convenience, then you’re topping from the bottom. For me to use my safeword outside a scene, there’s a few questions I need to ask myself:

  1. Is my safety at risk?
  2. Is this act going to cause me permanent physical/mental damage?
  3. Is this act going to cause me to break a law?


If for whatever reason Daddy gives me an order and that order cause me to answer yes to any of those questions, then you better believe I’m gonna use my safeword, as well as some other choice words.

I’m not trying to be judgmental or all “I’m better than you’, but I can’t help but getting upset when hearing or reading about people who think submitting is only on their terms of for their convenience. Like with other things in life, we all have to do things we don’t want to do- pay bills, clean the microwave(the one chore I hate doing more than anything), and numerous other things.  How hard is it to do something that your dominant, the one person you love and trust completely, has asked that you don’t want to do?