Is it possible to have a need for submission? I'm in an amazing "vanilla" relationship, with a past of D/S for both of us. We both know of the other's past, and recently began to incorporate some D/S components to our relationship. The issue is I feel like I have a need to submit. It's not just fun for me; I crave it on every aspect, not just sexually. Is this normal? How can I explain to my girlfriend that our sporadic play is fun, but I need more rules and structure?

Hi there,

It is most definitely possible that you have a need for submission on some level. Nature vs nurture at the core, submission is always argued as either being a need or natural personality or a choice; one learned over time. If you are finding that the play you currently have is not enough then sit down with her and talk to her about it.  You both have a history of D/s so talking about it shouldn't be too difficult. In fact, you can even lead with the question you asked me, "I love the play we have, but I need more rules and structure. What do you think?"

Adding D/s is a process and one that should be taken in steps. Don't leave it all up to her to figure out what to add. Perhaps you already know some of the things you'd like her to control or what rules you might like to try. Bring them up and talk them out. Dominants are not mind-readers. No matter how many times I say it some people still think that they are. Don't be like them.

Many of the rules and rituals I have today are ones that I came up with, we tried out and he liked so we kept them. Submissives tend to obsess over these things, we really do. So don't be afraid to volunteer them. KnyghtMare has loved some of the things I've come up with so much he'll add to them (not always in my favor, but oh well).

Yes, communicating may be hard. You are sharing your deepest secrets. Hopefully, you trust and care for this person enough to show them all of you. Tell your girlfriend what you need and what you want and figure out where you can balance things.

I wish you the best,