Thank you Kayla Lords for tackling these questions!

We received two questions both asking about BDSM and sexual experience, so in an effort to help everyone with the same kinds of questions, today is a two-fer.

Dear lunaKM,

Can a virgin with no sexual experience be a sub? Everything I know about submission is from the internet, is it possible that I am actually not into this?

Thanks,

Online Submissive, Real Life Virgin

Dear lunaKM,

Hello, my question is what should I do about my feelings and curiosity towards BDSM? I have always wondered about it since I was around the age of 12. It's kind of awkward for me to talk about because I'm now 22 years old and still haven't had basic sex (do you see my problem?). There's no one I feel I could talk to without being judged.  I don't know what to do and I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me but if you could give me some advice anything at this point is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Curious about BDSM

Thank you both for your questions, and I think both of you bring up something a lot of people go through - whether they’ve had sex or not.

Is there anything wrong with you for being interested in BDSM? Not at all. When done in a healthy way with the full consent of everyone involved, it can be very fulfilling.

And can you really be into BDSM or a submissive if you’ve had no experience? My initial answer is yes you can, but it comes with a caveat.

In today’s online world where our best friends live on different continents and we meet people on Facebook but will never have a cup of coffee with them in our hometown, it’s absolutely possible to have real experiences and learn about new things and people from the internet.

So if most of what you know is from what you’ve seen online, read in books, or even watched in porn, it’s a legitimate interest of yours, and I encourage you to continue learning all that you can.

That being said, I will warn you that when you eventually have your first real taste of BDSM, whether as a submissive or in some other role, it may not match up with what you’ve read or how you build it up in your head. The reality of something is always different from the fantasy of it. That doesn't mean it won't be great just different.

To the first question, you won’t really know if you’re into it until you have some experience with it. And it may take a few partners before you really know what you like and how you like it.

Being submissive isn’t just about what you do in bed, it’s about serving and submitting to a Dominant in whatever capacity you both agree. Yes, a lot of us prefer our D/s with sex, but it’s certainly not a requirement. There are Dominants who mentor and train submissives - helping them learn if this is what they really want or giving them a taste of the lifestyle - with little or no sexual activity.

If you seek out a Dominant to help you with this, be safe, listen to your instincts (run away from anyone who gives you bad vibes), get references from other submissives, and take your time learning about them before you agree to let them train you.

Now for both of you, to find out if you’re really into this and if it’s something you want to explore outside of the realm of fantasy, I encourage you to join the BDSM community.

In your local area, I’m sure there are groups that get together for munches (kinky meet-ups in vanilla settings) and there may be a BDSM dungeon or two.

If you’re not ready for that step yet, join a few online communities. Forums and groups are available in multiple places like Fetlife and Facebook to learn from others, ask questions, and learn more about the lifestyle.

Meeting other kinksters will help you feel a little less alone in all of this while giving you some realistic perspectives of what BDSM can look like and mean for other people.

The other thing I’d like to address because it’s a common misconception, is that BDSM, including submission, isn’t always sexual. You can have BDSM experiences - like a scene - without having sex. Don’t let anyone tell you that because you’re not having sex with someone whom you aren’t able to learn more about BDSM or try new things.

Continue to explore your feelings. Read and learn as much as you can about the lifestyle. Find groups - online or offline - where you can ask questions and meet people. By the time you become sexually active, you may have a better idea of what you want and need, with or without BDSM. And hopefully, you'll feel less alone.