Hi LunaKM, The dominant I have been seeing the past 2 months introduced me to your site.  I was wondering how I can get a submissive mentor?  I'd like to talk about things with someone that has experience.  I am on fetlife but I don't love posting things where everyone can see.  Can you help me find someone?  Thanks.

Hi there,

The topic of mentors comes up a lot with novice submissives and I understand that as I've written about mentors before on this site. My current opinion about mentors is they are other submissives that you can learn from, share your progress with and have a shoulder to support you when you are struggling. Not much different than a friend, don't you think? My mentors are friends of mine online and in real life that I can talk to and get insight into things.

You are looking for a mentor, but haven't told me if you have any submissive friends that you could "promote" to mentor in your life. You can find submissive friends on FetLife where you are currently and also at local events such as munches, classes, demos, and conventions. If that is too much for you, you can come to the chat nights here twice a month and we'll all gladly help you out when we can.

The idea of mentors comes from the job sector where new employees to the company or area are "trained" and chaperoned by a more experienced person called a mentor. In this instance, it is a business transaction and you could treat finding a mentor that way. There are groups on FetLife specifically for searching for a mentor but before you pick anyone you should know what you want to get out of a mentor relationship.

  • Friendship?
  • BDSM knowledge?
  • Understanding your place in the lifestyle?
  • Finding Dominants?
  • Something else entirely?

In any of those cases, the first thing you need to consider is that the mentor needs to have a similar opinion and definition of key terms like your role if they use SSC or RACK, safewords and the relationship type you are looking for or engaged in. The more common pieces the more likely they will be able to mentor you successfully. The difference of opinion can cause friction that will lead to a dissolution of the mentor/mentee relationship.

Do you really need a mentor or do you just want someone to share your struggle? That's the real question. And I hope I've given some decent answers too.

Ok, readers, what would you add about mentors? Where do you find one?