I just don’t feel very dedicated to being submissive.

I uttered the admittance with a growing sense of disappointment in myself. I want to, but I just don’t feel it

It was during the Easter holiday, over Skype chat. My Dom was at work, and I knew it was unfair to tell her at that particular moment, but it had eaten at me for about a week and some by that point, and I knew if I didn’t say it now, while she was definitely awake, I ran the risk of her not being very talkative when she got home from work. And I needed to talk.

I don’t know why,

I continued. It’s just not satisfying right now.

I’d thought, with some measure of chagrin, that maybe that entire aspect of our relationship had been a passing phase, that I was bored with it because I’d grown out of it, and while I knew that our relationship hadn’t evolved around that and would probably be fine without it, I also knew that it was one of the reasons we’d become so close and maintained such a strong connection even though there was an ocean between us. I didn’t want to be bored with submitting. I didn’t want it to be a phase. I just wanted to feel that satisfaction of being a good girl for my Dom on a daily basis again.

That alone was a good indicator that getting rid of the D/s aspect of our relationship wasn’t what I was interested in doing, even though I was saying that I didn’t feel submissive and hadn’t felt submissive for a while.

My Dom’s response was to have me reflect for a few days on what was working and what wasn’t, and then to report. So, true to form, I scribbled a long, long reflection in my journal, sat on it for about a day and a half, reread it, modified it, and then sent it to my Dom for her to read. She took a good deal of what I said into consideration, and made some changes to how we interacted, which helped make me feel better and more satisfied.

Sometimes, the dynamics of relationships need to be evaluated and realigned. This is a natural, healthy part of multiple people making commitments to each other, and it’s an important process which I think should not be ignored. For people involved in Dominant/submissive relationships, however, this can be a daunting prospect. Although at its core, a D/s relationship is not substantially different from a mainstream or vanilla relationship, the D/s dynamic adds layers to what can already be considered a confusing matter. Not only does one have to grapple with the emotional aspect of the relationship, but also (possibly) with rules about presentation and communication within the relationship.

Due to the often misinterpreted nature of the D/s dynamic, feeling discontent with certain aspects of a relationship might mistakenly translate to a desire to quit the scene or as general apathy. Sometimes, that can be the case, but most of the time, as with anything, it might just mean that you’re ready to explore new aspects of submission, new interests, conquer limits, or what have you. The same logic applies to pretty much every other aspect of life. If you eat the same thing at the same restaurant every day, you’re eventually going to get bored with the atmosphere. If you read the same book, you’ll cease to be tantalized by the plot. By expressing yourself, you allow yourself to discover new possibilities, or rediscover old traditions that died out as other aspects of your relationship takes precedence.

Accepting change in any aspect of our lives can be a bit daunting, possibly even scary, but having to accept a change in the most intimate interactions we have with the people that we feel closest to can be outright terrifying. It’s important that we all take a few moments to think about how we react to change when we’re confronted by it.

Do you welcome change? Do you shy away from it? How does adapting to changing interests and your growth as an individual fit into your D/s relationship? Let me know in the comments below.

Until next time,

Kallista