As always the views in this article are mine and mine alone unless otherwise stated. I write about what I know and what I know is me and my journey.
As the old saying goes it's not over until the fat lady sings. In this instance the fat lady would be me, a few months ago I started humming and told my Sir that we needed to end our relationship. I gave all of the reasons that I knew were valid and so as not to have to make the final decision through tears across a phone line I asked him to make the decision. He did me one better he told me we would see each other in a few hours and if I still wanted the relationship to end we would do as we always promised each other and end it face to face. Well, what happy moment that was for me I wanted to see him so badly. I hadn't really wanted to end the relationship, what I really wanted was for us both to recognize the point we were at and make it better. I also did not want to be the one to pull the plug on our relationship. Fast forward a few hours, we meet in a parking lot. I'd stopped to get a soda and found out that the Sheetz I was in sold alcohol so I got a few coolers, yes I know not the most responsible thing but what was I to do when I'm about to lose the love of my life, my Owner, my Daddy, my Sir, my lover and my friend.
Many things were going through my mind while I sat there waiting until finally, he arrived. As usual, when he and I are in highly emotional situations we come together and it's like nothing that I can explain, we talked and held each other but at the end neither of us were ready and we decided we could work things out.
As one of my very close friends told me this was a dry run. When it was the time we would be ready.
Since I've been in this lifestyle most of the relationships that I have seen end (about 90% of the ones that ended) have ended in the worst ways. The fighting, insults, division of friends makes one wonder what the hell I thought these people loved each other or at least had a deep like. In instances that I have personally been involved in, I've seen women lose their minds and you wonder why didn't he check with her prior owners.
But I digress, my Sir and I love each other its a given but despite our love, we both have personal issues that keep us from being together. One of the worst feelings for me is not being able to serve him, to cook, clean and love him in all ways. As a submissive, I've never been more depressed than when I couldn't be of use to him. We have many issues such as time, families, and work that all played a role in our inability to have the D/s relationship we started out in.
We held on for a while but nothing got better. While sitting in the Submissive Circle at my event Black BEAT this year only a few weeks after our first encounter I realized that despite the love we have for each other there are really too many outside forces that we would need to battle in order to be together. I also realized that it had caused me to step away from the life and only venture out on rare occasions. Ignoring the friends I once looked forward to hanging out with. I knew by the end of that two-hour session that what I finally could admit to myself was that I was empty, I wasn't growing and exploring. I wasn't able to fill the agreement and neither was he that we had made when we entered into our D/s relationship. In a nutshell, my submission had gone stale and moldy like a piece of bread that had fallen between the fridge and the sink. At this point it also really sunk in that I was not a failure as a submissive and it was going to be okay.
So the following week I called my Daddy on the phone and again with tears in my eyes I asked him to just say three words "I release you". There was silence for a while and he didn't sound the same when he finally spoke and asked me was I sure. I replied No but I don't want to end up hating you and you hating me. Another long pause was broken only by my sobs and before he said those three words he said something to me that made it okay. He told me that he would release me because it hurt him every time he heard the disappointment in my voice and saw the tears in my eyes when we couldn't be together or we had to part. And with that he released me. That day was one of the longest and painful of my life. But deep inside I knew it was for the best. He was the one but this was not the right time for us.
However, in all things life throws us curve balls! As they say, it's not over until the fat lady sings and well since I only hummed...... We are now no longer in a D/s relationship but our love is still there. We still make time to see each other but I am no longer angry and disappointed in him when we can't make it work. We still talk almost every day. The passion is still so very hot and each time its like we are trying to make up for all the missed days and savor each other until the next time we meet. The love is still there, who says just because you can not be together in the ways that you want that you stop loving each other. We don't get to choose who we love and I hope that every submissive can find their one and that unlike my own relationship they make it all the way through.
Am I free to explore my submission and find other partners? I'm sure one day that will be on the table but for now, I'm just happy that I can step back into the lifestyle with my freaky friends and that I no longer feel weighed down.
What I've learned:
It's okay to give of yourself if you never let yourself experience all that life and this lifestyle has to offer you may miss out on a lot.
It's okay to ask for a release it doesn't mean you are a failure.
Don't be ashamed of who you are and what you are seeking in this life.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want and expect nothing less.
This is a wonderful lifestyle and the experiences and people that we have and meet can be some of the best we ever have.
I'm sad a lot but I'm also happy as well and I'm sure as weeks and months pass there will be more happy days then there are sad ones.