Some of us live our D/s lives out in the open, letting family and friends know who and what we are - and dealing with any fallout from people who don't understand the lifestyle. To you, I have much love and respect. I'm not there yet...and maybe I never will be.

Others, like myself, keep it completely separate from our vanilla lives. We create separate social media accounts, pseudonyms, and hide behind the anonymity of the internet. There's concern and sometimes, fear, of being outed as kinky.

Whichever way we handle our kinky lives, we often face a lot of the same questions and judgment from people on the outside looking in.

Show of hands...

How many of you think you can't be into kink, BDSM, or have a D/s relationship if you have kids?

How many of you get asked (too often, I might add) how you do it with kids?

For the first group, hold on to your seats. I think it's time to get some extra education. For the second group, let me share with you how I handle this question – and I do get it a lot.

First, you have to realize that the question of whether you can be kinky and a parent comes from one of two places. Either someone is genuinely confused because they still have a lot to learn about D/s and BDSM, or they're judging the lifestyle based on false information and preconceived notions.

Confused but Well-Meaning

When someone is genuinely trying to learn more about the lifestyle and wrap their mind around being kinky and being a parent, I try to be gentle with them. There is so much bad information out there about BDSM and D/s that it's easy for those just starting out to be confused.

My answer to this question?

My children never see anything overtly sexual. I've been fortunate that they've never caught us playing or found a toy, flogger, cane, or paddle. Only one time have they questioned something they heard. It was a quick smack on the ass while we were getting ready for the day. The boys were in their bedroom, we were in ours, but the walls were thin.

For our own reasons, they don't hear me call Southern Sir “Daddy” or even “Sir.” Because he's like a stepfather to my kids (we're not married), they call him Mr. John, so I do, too. I consider it another honorific to use, specifically when my children are around or might be able to hear us.

What my children see are two people in a loving relationship who show each other respect at all times. They see us laugh, tease, and even fuss with each other. We learned our lessons from previous relationships, and we keep the big arguments between us, behind closed doors. They pretend to gag when we kiss in front of them. Typical parent/child stuff, y'all.

The tasks I may complete in front of them aren't overtly kinky. Making him a cup of coffee, serving him dinner, re-filling his drink. All of those are things I'm required to do, but they don't have a clue. They think Mom is just being nice and taking care of “Mr. John” the way I take care of them.

If the day comes that they have questions, we will answer them in an age-appropriate way that educates them without (hopefully, lol) scarring them for life.

For Those Who Just Don't Get It

Some people truly believe that you can't be a parent and a kinkster. I've seen people labeled a bad parent for being kinky! There are plenty of examples of kink being used against a parent in custody cases. Nothing gets my blood boiling hotter than some uneducated judgment being thrown around by people who believe they have all the answers. Grrrr...

How do I respond to these people? With a question of my own...

When asked how I can possibly be kinky as a parent (you know, in that tone that implies that I'm no better than a child abuser), my response is always the same.

Do you have vanilla sex with your kids in the same room?

No? Then why do you think I'm having kinky sex in the same room with my children? What specific examples of my behavior or that of anyone in the lifestyle makes you think that's what we're doing?

Oh, I see. Your entire education about kink, BDSM, and D/s comes from erotic fiction that may or may not be based on reality or porn which definitely has little basis in reality. You think submissives are all laying around naked, waiting for commands to be issued. Right? And clearly, we're so immoral we do this with our children around.

It makes steam come out of my ears every single time.

Here's the bottom line. Yes, you can be kinky and be a parent. Yes, you can be a 24/7 submissive and still be a parent. It's all about what you let your children see and how you explain the things they may hear or see that you were trying to hide.

Find good hiding spots for your toys. Do everything you can to minimize noise or get your major kink on when they're not home. Let your children see the respect you have for your partner. And, like everything we do as parents, figure out what works best for your children based on their maturity level and age and for your family as a whole.

I can't be the only one who deals with this. Have you had this question before? How did you handle it? Talk to me in the comment section, y'all!

Image via Flickr