Dear lunaKM,

I was in an intense, committed relationship for four years.  This relationship had bdsm elements and I am realizing while reading articles on your SubGuide site that it was indeed a bdsm relationship. In addition to our romantic relationship, we also worked together however we lived separately. During our relationship, there were power struggles resulting in my withdrawal from the relationship usually around the same topic:  his secrecy/evasiveness. Our love was quite strong despite these issues and we both "blossomed" while together; there was a pretty constant field of positive energy between us.

He recently passed away and when he was ill I helped to take care of him.  During that time I had access to his telephone and his computer and discovered voice messages, numerous late-night calls, and text messages from a woman.  They ended their communications with "I love you infinity much".

I don't know the nature of this relationship and all kinds of thoughts are churning in my head. After reading many posts on your site about "secret submissives", I believe this was indeed the nature of their relationship, however, I am tempted to contact her to find out for sure.

Question:  shall I contact her?  She also may not be aware of his passing.

Thanks so much!

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

I do have mixed feelings as far as the secret woman you found through his phone. Is this need to know the nature of the relationship going to help you grieve at all or is it to find out if he continued with his secretive ways while you were together? How would that really help you? I think it might feed a painful ache, you could resent him and the love that you had and are remembering might become tainted. There just can't be any healing to be done by digging into his secretive past - something that you had issues with while he was alive.

I think if you do decide to contact her don't mention that you've read her intimate messages with the deceased. It will feel very intrusive. Perhaps just state that you are going through his phone numbers on his phone and wanted to let everyone know that he has passed on. Answer any questions from her about how he passed if she asks them and then let her go.