Today's question is about handling when the D/s is shelved due to external (or internal) stress.

Hi Luna, I wanted to ask you about when a relationship is going through a rough patch, and neither partner can seem to find it within them to fulfill their previous D/s roles. My Sir is dealing with a lot of stress right now, and as a result he seems to be less interested in dominating me. As a result I am questioning my submissiveness. As a submissiveness, should I be accepting this change in him as part of my submitting to him and his needs? When I bring it up and ask for more play, there always seems to be a reason why we cannot at this time. I know deep down he is my Sir and I am his sub, how can I re-ignite this desire in him? And how can I quell the fear that his lack of interest is because I have not been a good sub in the past?

Hi stressed,

I understand that you are concerned that the D/s roles have waned and that you want to reignite his desires for it but I think you are overlooking a very important point.

You are in a relationship with him. He is feeling external stresses that are interfering with the D/s. What have you done to help him with that stress? Is he getting help if needed? Stress, no matter what it is, has to be managed in order to keep the D/s alive or revitalized. I think you need to start there first.

Support his current needs, whatever that may be. I'm sure he knows you want and need the D/s to continue. He may even feel guilt for letting it decline as it has. It's not helpful to add to his stress load. Just make things around him as expected and welcoming.

This is not the time to lessen your obedience to tasks, chores or other rules he has of you. In fact, working hard on them will show him that you still care to have the D/s and it might bring him out of the stressful situations every so often and eventually you'll be able to pick it back up.

Only you can answer if his stress is because of your inability to submit to him. That requires a conversation with him. Right now, supporting his needs as he deals with the stress is the best thing for him.

Eventually, you have to see whether his stress is lifting or if he's falling further into a depressive state. You continue to support him as long as your relationship thrives. You need to do what's best for you so if the relationship slides you have to consider whether waiting it out is in your best interests any longer or not.

I do wish you the best. D/s slips are hard to deal with whether they are bedroom only or full-time or something in between.