Thank you so much for this site!  I am new to the world as I have always been vanilla.  I met a man who is a dom and he started training me without me realizing it.  He did not brainwash me and I am a strong willed person, but I am totally hooked!  I am his and in four months he will relocate here for good.  I gave complete trust, control, and myself and never felt so free, but one thing keeps making me nervous and sure it is my old me still there.   He calls me his slave and he sent what he expects and agree to it all as he wants a loving one on one relationship, but I read slave is different than sub over and over.  I feel like his slave, but because I would do anything for him and not bat an eye, but there is trust and he treats me gentle, patient, as a person, as a slut, as a lady, and makes me communicate on how I feel about everything.  If I don’t like a new sex addition, he coaxes or adjusts it until I either like it or he moves on.  So being a slave to such a man I feel like I couldn’t lose, but I read and I keep thinking I am more of a sub personality, could it be he treats me so highly that it doesn’t feel wrong or should I talk to him and tell him I am a sub personality, but I want to be his slave?  I am so confused!!!!!

Hello confused,

The answer is you are both. But that might not work for you, so let me explain something. Many of the terms used in BDSM conversation have personal meanings, submissive and slave being 2 very good examples. Each person is going to have an understanding of what they mean to themselves, but it isn’t going to align with another person.

So, while your Dom says you are a slave and you say you are a submissive - this could very well be the exact same thing.

I suggest you both sit down and have him describe what a slave is to you and you describe what a slave is to him. Then do the same for submissive. See if there aren’t common threads in the terms where you can see why he’s calling you a slave and you are calling yourself a submissive. I bet you will find that your definitions aren’t the same.

It’s not a bad thing that they might be different, but as long as you are both aware that you have different interpretations it could aid you in conflict later on. Do this exercise every time you feel like the words he is using don’t mean the same to you. It’s a huge help in your communication to know what the other person means when they speak!