Dear lunaKM,

Hi there, I have always thought of myself as a dominant person, however, I recently learned that I really enjoy being submissive.   It has taken me 4 months and I have finally found my Sir and we are on the same page as to what we are wanting to explore and experience.   I have only one problem (so far) I can't work out how not to look at Sir or even where or how to look when I'm not meant to be looking.   I have been searching the internet etc and I can't find information on this.    So I am hoping that either you can assist me or point me in the right direction.   Pet

Hi Pet,

Forbidding eye contact is not a common rule, from what I know. The times it does come up is a form of punishment or discipline within the dynamic. It's going to be hard to find any information online or in book form about it. What I can say is that you have the most important resource right in front of you. Him. Ask him for the direction you need. Tell him you are having issues figuring out where to look when you aren't allowed to look at him and that you need help with learning to not look at him. He may tell you to focus on another body part or prompt you with a word or look if he catches you gazing at him until it becomes a habit for you. With many things of this sort, it's learning through practice that works best. I wish you luck.


Dear lunaKM,

I am in my first sub/dom relationship with a very experienced dom, we are also in a full-time vanilla relationship and are (mostly) very happy. The problem is that I am finding it hard to distinguish between what I am expected to do as a submissive and what I am being pressured into. I understand that this relationship is about pushing my boundaries but some things I am not comfortable with. For example, my dom is very keen on trying a threesome with another girl, I showed a little interest but have since told him I don't want to do this and I'm happy with just him and yet he keeps looking up possible matches on the internet and pushing for it. Sometimes he takes it to the point where it turns me off. Am I right to say I want to be his sub but set boundaries or am I not living up to what is expected of me? Thank you.

Dear pressured,

You have every right as a human being in a relationship to set boundaries. You both need to negotiate what you will and won't do within the confines of the relationship. Just because you identify as submissive does not give him the right to ignore your objections. Being in a D/s relationship isn't always about pushing boundaries. It's more about pushing agreed upon boundaries. Have you ever said you might be interested in adding others to your play/sex/relationship? If not, why does he think he can push that on you? I would suggest sitting him down and really talking about the importance of having that boundary established and see if he's willing to comply. If he still insists on having a threesome, perhaps the two of you aren't as compatible as you hoped.


Dear lunaKM,

I have been able to come into contact with a woman who I have wanted to be my Dom for years. We worked together and had an instant connection. I moved 2 states away, lost contact and have finally been able to reach out to her again. She is in a committed relationship with another woman, has a sub on the side, and I am also in a committed relationship with a woman, (we are both lesbians). I'm not at all jealous of her other sub or home life and want only to give myself to her completely. Right now we are in the negotiation stages and she is still uncertain of me being her sub, mostly because of the distance. We talk whenever we can mostly through texts. I want her to know she can trust me and that I will obey her, but not sure how. Neither of our partners knows that we are talking to each other, so we take advantage when we can. I know it sounds complicated, but I want it to work!! What can I do or suggest to make this work?

Dear complicated,

How can you make something work that is based on lying to people you are supposed to love and trust? Not telling your partners is a dangerous slope you are trying to build you relationship on. My personal objections to cheating, which is what you are doing, keep me from providing you any assistance. There are, however, groups on FetLife that cater to secret relationships. If you really need help, I suggest you talk to someone who doesn't have a problem with what you are trying to do.