Hi lunaKM,

I'm semi new to m/s relationships and my new dom and i have been together for a month now. I wanted to know how long does a consideration period last, and should I wait for him to bring up being collared? We agreed to take it slow but we are still very much into it. Thanks, Annie

Hi Annie,

A consideration period is up to the people involved. For the relationships that use consideration phases that could be as short as a couple weeks to as long as years. What I want to ask you is what do you consider the importance of a collar? My personal opinion is it's like an engagement ring and should have the weight of a committed relationship behind it. I doubt that your one month old relationship has moved to that level. Now, if you believe a collar is something less, then you need to have a talk with your partner and see if he agrees with your meaning.

A relationship needs to be on the same page as far as what the relationship terms mean. Ask him about the considering period and how long it is and what he expects from you during it. Ask him about collars and where they fit into the time frame of a relationship. Once you both know where each other stands on these terms you can move forward.

Hi LunaKM,

I really enjoy your site and your writing, thank you so much.  What is a more appropriate way (or phrase) to say "I'm sorry" to a Dom?  My Master always tells me that my being sorry is irrelevant.  And while I think that is true, that I need better obedience, I'm puzzled in how to comfort him when he's going through something stressful that does not pertain to me - like work, for instance.  His contented-ness is my number one priority and I wish to be able to comfort him when he's had a bad day.  Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

Best, Selfless

Hi Selfless,

My interpretation from the message that your Master is conveying is that apologizing isn't necessary. There really is no reason for you to feel apologetic when the situation isn't because of you. What you really want to express is sympathy or empathy. It is the fact you'd like to acknowledge that you know he's going through something stressful. However,  I'm sorry is widely understood to be an expression of compassion rather than an acknowledgement of personal fault. The reply it isn't your fault or sorry is irrelevant is a purposely obtuse reaction. The listener, if a native English speaker, knows that you did not intend any contrition or assume any blame.

Perhaps he just doesn't want to hear those words unless they relate to your needing to atone for something. You could simply add, "I'm sorry to hear that," and offer a hand of assistance, a shoulder to rest on, an ear or anything else that might need to do to relieve said stress.  For example, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Seriously, if you need something, or just want to talk, call me – even at 3 in morning."

 

Dear lunaKM,

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. I have always believed myself to be submissive. Granted, I haven't much experience, but it just seems very natural to me (both inside and out of the bedroom). However, I don't like the idea of being a complete slave outside of the bedroom. Rather, I like the idea of being protected and cared for, and desired. I want to please my partner, and I want to let him take control, but I also want my opinion to be heard when needed. I would want to be his #1 fan, supporting him as much as possible, but for some reason I'm uncomfortable calling anyone "sir" or "master," especially outside of the bedroom, and I like time to myself, so I'm mostly independent and a bit of a loner.

Am I a false-submissive? I've always been very comfortable with being submissive, but now I'm starting to worry that I don't fit right into the dynamic.

Dear Identity Crisis,

Having an opinion heard and being your own person doesn't disappear when you are a submissive in most relationships. Dominants worth their salt will want a whole person, not a walking, talking sex toy. You'll find that there are Dominants that are looking for exactly the type of person you are. Your concerns about not fitting in come from reading a lot of "ideal" ways to live and not the real way. There is no set dynamic. Each relationship is adapted to work for the people within it. Some have bratty, opinionated partners and others have very demure, silent types. Then you have everything else in between.

D/s is not a cookie cutter relationship. So, if you are a loner and independent person but want to be someone's supporting partner and will submit to them within that context you will find someone as long as you are clear about who you are and what you are or are not looking for.

And as for sir/master titles. Not everyone uses those. And those that do the submissives likely adapted to it (it took me 6 months to be comfortable with it). Communicate that with perspective partners and see what they thing.

You are not a false submissive - just one that needs a bit more information. :P

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