There’s going to come to a point, I pray, that the single slave will be not so single and will be heading towards being owned. So for the last message in this series, I thought I'd talk about releasing the fear of transformation.
There's a song from the late 80's "Don't Make Me Over" by Sybil (video on YouTube, it’s actually a remake of the song done by Dionne Warwick) describing the vulnerability of a woman in love not wanting to be made over. I’d like to share some segments from the lyrics:
Don't make me over Now that I'd do anything for you Don't make me over Now that you know how I adore you…
Don't make me over Now that you've got me at your command…
Accept me for what I am Accept me for the things that I do…
This song has come back to me over the past few months as I reflect on my own journey thus far. And not too long ago during the summer, I responded to a journal post that touched on this very thing: the fear of being made over because in the submission/surrender process.
I often hear slaves/subs speaking of not wanting to change, that they should be accepted as is and pretty much remain as is even after they are owned. There was a time in my journey that I felt this way, and was adamant about 'keeping me' and not 'losing myself'. I remember a few that were closer to me giving me 'the talk' about not changing no matter the type of relationship I end up in. But I had to learn that if I’m doing the surrender journey right, a transformation is gonna happen, plain and simple! Even more, if there are no changes, if the Owner doesn't impact my awareness, emotions, and even the intellect of me as a slave in ways that encourage growth and clarity, then there's a level of influence that hasn't been tapped into because either I haven’t allowed it or the Master is unsure of how to do it. Chances are that’s not where I should be.
The past weekend, I took a class where the instructor gave us some materials to take a personality test. One of the points mentioned was that a great many people do not really know who they are at the core. We know how we've been conditioned to respond/react, but just who we are is a different matter (more on that in a future post). There was a time that I would have scoffed at such, but the past year of my life has proven this statement accurate not just for myself but for many others that I've spoken with along the way. So we come to these intense relationships that challenge us to let go. We hear of training periods and such, and we tend to have an intellectual understanding of what training is – all the practical stuff; like, we’ll learn how to mix his drinks, how to prepare his meals, how he likes this or that, how to suck his dick. But rarely do we give consideration to the internal training. This is the part of the training period where our beliefs are challenged, where our idiosyncrasies are confronted, where we face demons that have plagued us for years, where our minds are challenged to think in new ways. This is where transformation occurs, not because we've learned to do a task a certain way. That’s the simple part. But when a Master begins to peel back the layers of you and sees all of your ugly by directing light to your dark shadows – then what? Therein lie the keys of dread so many have come to know about the transformation process. Of course, the other part is the utter vulnerability this brings about (see the post on Vulnerability).
This molding of a slave for the Master’s pleasure isn't about losing everything that makes the slave valuable or attractive. This isn’t about a Master not finding worth in the slave that first presented herself to him. And this definitely isn’t about abuse. This is a major step in submitting to another, a step that leads to the slave being more pleasing because she’s the best of herself. Entelechy, that’s what this process is about.
Entelechy: the realization of potential.
There are so many analogies that can be used to fit what I’m referring to – diamonds in the rough, a sculptor with granite, wet clay being molded and so on. But the one that resonates with me the most is that of a metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly. It makes me smile just thinking about it because it’s such a vivid example of entelechy.
Metamorphosis: 1. a: change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means b: a striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances 2. biology: a major change in the form or structure of some animals or insects that happen as the animal or insect becomes an adult (such as a butterfly)
I think the caterpillar/butterfly analogy works so well for me because this is what my experience has been like. Quite literally, a caterpillar must die to itself to reach maturation and experience its fullest potential. Once it was grounded and limited to crawling about, inching its way to a destination, after its transformation, it’s a new creation! It has wings to flutter about, it’s brilliantly colored – and adds so much more life and radiance to its environment. Suddenly, it’s more of a delight, far more pleasing and welcoming. Everything it does supports its new life – it doesn't stick to the old caterpillar ways it used to know and live by. Instead, it lives, thinks, and breathes as the new creation that it is – the butterfly! The grand part of the process is the caterpillar can’t stop it, and won’t stop it. Of course, it doesn't have the mind to do so, and good thing it doesn't because it’s not a pretty process! But for us slaves… we are very much aware of all of our growing pains; we remember the past, and our habitual behaviors/thought patterns are much harder to switch. This makes the process so much more intense and difficult and adds to the fear.
In my experience, there were times along the way that I doubted and thought, “Maybe this slave journey isn't for me…” It hurt me to think/feel that way because, in my heart, I knew it wasn't true. There were times that I just felt so damaged and walled off – because, for the first time, I could see all the habits I had picked up since childhood to protect myself, to be tough, to be detached. Seeing the error in so many thought processes I had used to navigate life – uuuuggghhhh… So, what did (do) I do in these moments? I cried lol. Yeah, I’d cry and wrote in my journal (still do of course) to just purge it. Then the next day, I’d pick right back up where I left off, reminding myself to allow for the transformation. It also helps to have at least one person that is available to talk to, fortunately for me, I have that one. Here I sit writing this, musing about most of it, because if no one else knows, I know just how much I've changed and just how difficult it was at times – in spite of outside appearances. I’m not near a completion in my own process, from my perspective, I still have much more work to do. I don’t know where my journey will lead me or when I’ll finally be able to say, “Hey y’all I’m an owned slave!” But I do know that thus far of the internal restructuring has served me in ways I hadn't considered.
With that said, I hope this series has been and remains helpful to those that happen upon it.
Lots of love, blyss
This series is written from the perspective that being single in the Lifestyle affords one the opportunity to do some soul-searching, learning, and defining to be better equipped to transition into a suitable and desirable relationship in due time. Other parts of the series are as follows: