This is a guest post by kahluna.
It's funny to me to see people wanting a Dominant but then looking for "chemistry" as well. They want to fall in love with the Dominant of their dreams. Apparently, these submissives have come into the lifestyle thinking that a Dominant is BDSM's version of Prince Charming. Ladies, He simply doesn't exist either in the Vanilla world or in the lifestyle. Most Doms I know have regular lives to live and when their back side itches they scratch it. They fart when they eat beans and burp when they drink a beer. They wake up with bags under their eyes and a 5 o'clock shadow just exactly like their vanilla counterparts. But here we are hoping like crazy that he will forever and ever look like a hottie in leathers while always having a desire to flog our submissive little behinds.
Seriously kids! It's time to let Prince Charming and Cinderella go off and live their happily ever after. Our objective is not to snag the Prince but to find a Dominant who can help us grow and become the best submissive we can be. In the meantime, we have to be doing some growing on our own. And that means letting go of a few of the myths and fairy tales we grew up believing. Most of us have had prior relationships whether D/s or vanilla that didn't work out but boy was the chemistry there. And golly wasn't he ever romantic... at first.
Since when is chemistry and romance more important than anything else including common sense and reasoning when it comes to a D/s relationship? This person has the potential to cause you serious injury even death and you are more interested in chemistry than how long they have been using those bondage techniques on real live human beings? This person could be the next Ted Bundy but he's hot so "who cares if he knows CPR and First Aid I just want to jump his bones!" Heavy sigh here.
I used to choose my relationships based on chemistry and romance and ended up with a sexy abuser, a hot cheater, and a cute drunk. When I came into the lifestyle and learned to choose my relationships based on logical things like, does this person have the skills I need to learn, can this person help me on the off chance something went wrong and I was injured, does this person have a job, a social circle, a decent but not freaky relationship with their parents, do they have mental health issues that could cause irreparable damage to me or anyone close to me.
Why not start out logically and see if the chemistry develops? Why not use tools like a "resume" or a BDSM checklist, or a contract as a jumping point for conversations about what works and doesn't work for you in a relationship or a scene? Everyone in this lifestyle swears that communication is key to making a D/s relationship work. It's sad how many turn right around though and proclaim that they could never use such cold and distant tools like the contract or checklist or resume because they "are looking for King Arthur, not Mr. Spock." I highly doubt that decent Dominants would be offended by a girl who handed them a well-written package of information about themselves. Yes, it takes some of the mystery out of learning about each other but it would also take some of the danger and heartache out of it as well.
I have a resume` of my regular life skills as well as my D/s skills and I do have a checklist with hard and soft limits, things I am interested in trying and things I have actually done. And I gave both to my Master to look over. I didn't want him to ever say to me "Well you never told me that about yourself so the deal is off." It also gives me a huge boost of confidence when I am able to add a skill to the list and who couldn't use that? So, let's use a little common sense and better judgment and be thrilled as all get out when the chemistry and romance DO happen.
Kahlana currently resides in Wisconsin with her Master and two of their 4 children. She has been a collared submissive for 3 years, living a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle that progressed from online to face to face. She loves to educate others about the lifestyle from a submissive's point of view. You can read more of her lifestyle articles, poetry, and other writings on her blog, dacrinkly.wordpress.com